What Would You Do?

(written 1/26/07)

A couple of weeks ago, I sent my buddy AJ a comment on his myspace page that posed a rather tough question: "You are Jack Ryan, and you are in charge of the CIA. You are to assemble a small brigade of five people who will be inserted into Afghanistan with the mission of finding and killing Osama bin laden. The five people you choose must be movie characters, and they must be human. Captain Kirk is ok. Dr. Spock is not. They must also not have any kind of supernatural powers."

Well, I told him I was rolling with John Matrix (Commando), the McManus brothers (Boondock Saints), John McClain (Die Hard) and Marion Cobretti. (Cobra) I told him I knew I was passing up some pretty good guys, like Dalton (Roadhouse), Jason Bourne (Bourne Identity) and Tackleberry (Police Academy), but dammit, the fate of the free world rested on my crack team of kick-ass ass-kickers, and I just couldn't leave it up to a guy who made one of the best-worst movies in history, Roadhouse. Although Jason Bourne and Tackleberry would've been awesome, I am not so sure about Dalton; I still haven't gotten over his stopping of that chick from stripping on stage while he knowingly knew Jeff Healey was blind and couldn't see. AJ said he was going to be rolling with Rocky, Jimmy Conway (Goodfellas), Chicken Lips, and Bart Taylor (Rad); needless to say, I would feel more secure with my team.

Anyway, over the last past week or so we have been going back and forth with various hypothetical scenarios and seeing what we would do, just this past week I was in charge of going to an Afghan torture camp with a pro wrestler and an actor. I guess the outlandish questions coincide with the returns of Prison Break and 24. These are some of my favorite shows out right now, not just because I get to see Dr. Tancredi (Diane Lane All-star) and Nadia Yassir (definite candidate for DLAS team), but because of the scenarios they go through which are completely amazing…and full of shit. Jack Bauer goes from being tortured in a prison for 2 years and having not said a word, so when they speak to him at the first episode he is talking like Mushmouth from Fat Albert. Then, 15 minutes later, after he is back in the States, showers and shaves, buddy can speak fluent English, what gives?

AJ emailed me 4 different scenarios, as listed below, throughout the week and asked what I would do in each instance, putting stipulations and requirements in them to see what I would do in these extremes. I thought "Holy shit, this would be a kick-ass idea for a blog". Please keep in mind in each of these scenarios, all credibility, realness, and actuality is thrown out the window and I can pretty much do whatever I want; hopefully you'll pick up on the references to sports, pop-culture, and movies. So, sit back, read on and see how my imagination operates….it's pretty much the best I know of.

(Yes, I know, I'm an idiot. You don't have to tell me again…so, now that we've gotten that out in the open, onto the scenarios)

Your Mission: You have to go to China and get Yao Ming's parents to sign your Yao Ming Jersey. You have my assistance; you also have to choose a C-list actor, a non-recognizable athlete, and a translator out of the Houston yellow pages. Your tools: You have 1 passport for all of you, but it's a black guy's ID, you have $200 all in 1dollar bills, a monkey wrench, a notebook, a Bon Jovi leather/denim jacket, 4 road flares, and a wheel chair. Who do you take? How do you get to China without getting arrested? How do you find the Ming's? And you have to get back to the states with out getting arrested

Here is the roster for this mission:

AJ, Steven, C. Thomas Howell (C-list actor, Ponyboy from The Outsiders), Akshay Buddiga (Non-recognizable athlete: the dude who fainted at the 2004 National Spelling Bee and then spelled the word, alopecoid right) Mr. Wang (Houston translator, and owner of Wang's Store)

So here's the plan, knowing damn well that I am working on a limited budget, I round up the posse and head over to Mr. Wang's store. I am only looking for 1 specific thing; black shoe polish. I figure with the $200 dollars I have, I can buy about 5 cans of black shoe polish. What do we need the shoe polish for? Well, if you remember the awesomely-bad movie, Soul Man, we take the shoe polish and color C. Thomas Howell's skin black, like he did in the movie in which he starred in with Rae Dawn Chong. This gives us a lead guy who can use the passport as a black guy. Traveling to China is where it gets a bit tricky, but thankfully, Akshay, who we now just call "The Buddiga", has connections with family member in India. He can set us up with a plane to land in New Delhi, only if we promise to give him the Bon Jovi leather jacket. Reluctantly, we agree to these terms, only because Mr. Wang thinks The Budigga gives love a bad name.

So once we are in India, we still have to make it to China. Well, as luck has it Rae Dawn Chong is living in a flat in Shanghai and arranges her past lover, C. Thomas to board a plane and land in Shanghai. As the three of us are still in India, we see The Budigga still rocking the Bon Jovi jacket, after going to a karoke bar and spending $100 on beer, we get this excellent idea to strap The Budigga to a wheelchair and attach road flares to his ride. After some coaxing from AJ, I finally light the flares and shoot this kid into Pakistan. Meanwhile, C. Thomas is adjusting to being the only black guy in China (who looks amazingly white). With the help of Rae Dawn, they finally find out the location of Yao's parent's restaurant, unfortunately, he learns the parents now live in Houston. Nevertheless, the public has taken a liking to C. Thomas because he looks like Tracy McGrady, minus the whole "stoned-look" on his face. The treatment of him is so overwhelming; he buys a lifetime supply of black shoe polish and stays in China forever, along with Rae Dawn. They get married, and have a kid, who looks like a man-bear-pig.

On the other continent, we are stuck in India, no worries, Dhalsim, from Street Fighter is friends with Mr. Wang because it turns out Mr. Wang is related to E. Honda from Street Fighter 2. This works to our advantage because Dhalsim arranges a flight for us back to Houston in exchange for a book of poetry. AJ obliges and come up with some of the gayest poetry man has heard of this side of the Atlantic Ocean. Dhalsim is very impressed with this and asks AJ if he would like to stay in India with him, AJ says no and is then threaten by Dhalsim with fireballs, AJ cant take anymore so he takes the monkey wrench and hits him over the head, saying "Sonic Boom, bitch!". After boarding the plane, we finally land in Houston and drive to Yao's parents restaurant off Westheimer. After getting the jersey signed, Mr. Wang, me, and AJ eat some noodles and learn that The Budigga, who is now being called "Jigga, My Budigga", is still alive in Pakistan and will be reentering the Spelling Bee tournament; C. Thomas is busted for fraud, and Rae Dawn is shocked again, she couldn't believe he was faking to be a black guy. Again. I guess she should learn some things never change.

Your Mission: You are lost in the Brazilian rain forest somewhere outside of Vila Porto Franco, and you must find you way to Manaus to fly home. You have to get to Manaus without being captured by any of the local jungle warriors. You have my assistance, and you have to choose a pro wrestler, a cartoon character, and a musician for your journey. Your tools: A volleyball, a stuffed lion that you won at the Vila Porto Franco carnival, fingernail clippers, a Teen Wolf mask, 100 paper clips, 50 ft of rope, a whoopee cushion, and 75 burned CD's. Who do you take? How do you find you way to Manaus without getting captured? How do you sneak past each village? Oh yeah, you have to capture a spider monkey and bring it back to sell on the black market (I heard they're fast as shit). How do you capture the monkey?

For this mission I am going to need: AJ, Steven, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka (wrestler), the Tazmanian Devil (duh), and for my musician, I will take the leader singer for Nickelback, Chad Kroeger.

Because Superfly was the closest thing I could think of as far as aborigines go, he should be pretty familiar with the lay of the land. As we all know, rain forest are dying rather fast these days, so who better to help with this destruction the Tazmanian Devil? I figure if there is some shit in front of us, he can go all-Taz on us and clear a path and get rid of all the debris that is in our way. Now, you're probably thinking, why Chad Kroeger, well, just keep reading. As with every other story, we are always needed because, well AJ's my buddy, and this is my blog. Anyway, as we travel from village to village, we tread carefully at night; we do this by letting Superfly swing from tree to tree like fuckin Tarzan using up all the rope like Charlie Bronson. Once he sees the coast is clear, he sits on a whoopee cushion and lets out a huge fuckin fart. After AJ and I blame Chad for shitting his pants, we carefully follow the path Taz has set for us. So far we are doing pretty well, Superfly is swinging like a monkey, Taz is ripping shit, and Chad still sucks.

It was about that time where we fell into a trap set by the Jujami tribe. Make no mistake, these fuckers are vicious, they are known for various torture methods, using bamboo shards, broken glass, and, most of all, Indian burns. Apparently, they have gotten wind of us (no thanks to Chad shitting his pants) moving through each village at night and they were going to send a message for all outsiders: Don't fuck with the Jujami tribe, or the babysitter as Elisabeth Shue warns us.

They set up a boody trap, I mean, booby trap, one night for Superfly and what he thought was a tree vine ending up being an orangutan's dong. Once he tugged on his member, the village was aware of the intruders. After out-flanking us, they finally caught us, because Chad flunked flank. We were then brought to Chief Red Bull. He gave us an option: die courageously or die like dogs. But, just then, I challenged the Chief and his crew to a game of volleyball with our lives on the line. Evidently, the Jujami tribes are fierce sporting competitors, with All- Rain Forest awards in "Skip-It", "Water Balloon Toss", and "Rock-Paper Scissor". So, we finally play a game of volleyball, it's me and AJ against two ugly mofo's. We end up kicking their ass because we kick everyone's ass at anything we play; including wiffeball.

After seeing us win, the tribe went ape-shit; here is when the story turns unbelievable. After we won, Chad got so scared and couldn't think of a way to cope with the fear, so he turned to what a lot of people would, a Teen Wolf mask. Parading around the village like Michael J Fox, Chad starts scaring everyone, in large thanks to the handstand he can do. At this time, I see a magical spider monkey and AJ has an idea: we take the stuffed lion and sexually entice the spider monkey to come and bone the stuffed animal. To our avail, this works brilliantly and with the paper clips we have, we secure the spider monkey in mid-coitus. Now that AJ and I had our spider monkey, we still needed to get out of the village. I turned to the only thing we had left; 75 burned CD's. Coincidentally enough, they were all copies of Nickelback cd's. I thought to myself, "Maybe the shittiness of Nickelback can kill Jujami people". I was right, after throwing the CD's like ninja stars, we killed all the attackers. Once we escaped, we took Chad, still wearing his Teen Wolf mask, and offered him up as a sacrifice to the other natives. This worked in two ways: it allowed AJ and I to leave unharmed and also cured the world from further Nickelback music.

About 3 days later, we find out Superfly left to be Taz's humanimal-lover, apparently, when Superfly pulled the dong of the orangutan, Taz was jealous. And, in my world, there is no room for jealousy. Me and AJ split the money in half and now I am rolling like a fat rats.

Your Mission: You have to go to Monterrey, Mexico and get 50 Chihuahua's for rich people in LA that want authentic Chihuahua's. You can't take a passport, birth certificate, or any personal id. And you can't get caught by border patrol, because I think you know what side they'd put you on. You have me, and you have to take a pro athlete, a wrestler, a politician, and handicap person. Your tools: 6 back packs, a 100 ft extension cord, some jelly, 4 condoms, a small bag of dog food, 50 rubber bands, a #2 pencil, and a carton of cigarettes. Who do you take? How do you get the dog back alive and safe, without getting caught? And how many trips does it take?

Here is who I am rolling with: Alright, here's the plan: AJ, Steven, Tito Santana (wrestler), Oscar De La Hoya (pro athlete), Arnold Schwarzenegger (politician), and Timmy (handicapped kid) from South Park.

This is how it goes down: with my connections in Cali thanks to Arnold, I go through Baja California. By using Tito Santana and Oscar De La Hoya, I have 2 people who know the lay of the land in California because they are from there and when we get to Mexico, Tito Santana will put on his red tights and no one will suspect anything from him. I will use Oscar de La Hoya as my guide in, and around, the land of Mexico. We make out trek east from Tijuana to Monterrey.

Because Arnold snuck us into Mexico, we can pretty much do what we want. Upon our arrival in Monterrey, people get suspicious of our actions so the 4 of us can't go any further because we are Mexican-looking, and we are looking for Mexican-looking, never mind the fact Tito is still wearing his red banana-hammock. He looks like a Mexican sex-criminal.

So here is what we do...staying in Cholula, we strap Timmy with an electrical cord to his wheelchair, this will ensure that we can go where he wants without running out of power, while screaming indecipherable words at will. Once we give him a burlap sack full of dog food, we can guide him on a mission to steal the dogs, put them in a burlap sack, and return them to us. We have control over Timmy because he attached a remote control to his wheelchair; he is like our retarded remote control car.

After spending 4 months in Cholula, we finally have all the dogs we need, some we had to give back because of the Chupacabra and some because Tito Santana was boning the dogs. So, upon garnering all the dogs we need, we soon learn we don't have a need for Timmy, so we let him go in Juarez. Because he is a retard, we don't have to worry about any repercussions of our actions and spilling the beans because the only thing he can say is his first name. We have a shit load of dogs, so to keep track of them we use the 50 rubber bands on them, much like leashes. Using the #2 pencil and a leftover rubber band we had, because 1 dog was a Siamese twin, I make a bow and arrow. This will protect us as we travel from village to village. Amazingly it even helps us through Santa Poco, as we all fight our own personal El Guapos; we also had to fight the real El Guapo. The Three Amigos said everyone must face their El Guapo, whether it would be personal struggles or demons they face on a day to day basis. Coincidentally enough, Tito Santana was faced with his personal El Guapo which is boning animals, we shall see if he over came that struggle.

After coming back to Tijuana after defeating the Guapi, Arnold has a plane waiting for us illegally, like Jonny Depp in Blow. However, this plane leaves the next day because it ran out of gas. So we take all the dogs and leave them in the plane, hide the plane in some bushes, and then go party all night in TJ. Me, AJ and de La Hoya go to a whorehouse and use up the condoms. While we are in TJ, Arnold takes the leftover cigarettes from Tito's sexcapades with the dogs, and sells them on the streets asking "Who is your daddy and what does he do?" Tito Santana is pretty bombed, however, he is still faced with his own personal El Guapo He travels to the hood in TJ and takes the jelly and uses it on the chick he saw doing a donkey show, he thought he overcame his personal demon. Well, after 23 tequila shots, Tito then wants in on the donkey show, amazingly, we catch wind of this in the whorehouse and all decide to leave Tito Santana in Tijuana. Once we make it to California, we take the dogs and sell them to the rich fuckers in America...we all make like 500 G's, while Tito is the proud father of a man-donkey. I guess he couldn't escape his El Guapo after all.

Your Mission: I (AJ) have been captured by the Russian Mafia in NY, and they are holding me hostage for $500,000. You have to get to NY with out flying because they can track that, and you need a sneak attack. You have to use a washed up actor from the 70's or 80's, a non athlete-athlete, and someone from any of the home fixer uper shows. You have to find me and steal me back without paying them. Your tools: A bag of dog shit, two twigs, $500 cash, a ukulele, a pack of mentos, a mesh tank top, a football helmet, and a can of tuna but no can opener. How do you get to NY? How do you find me? How do you rescue me without getting me or you killed? How do you get revenge?

Here is my roster: Steven, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor (home fixer-upper), Ernie McCracken (non-athlete athlete), Jackie Earle Haley (washed-up actor)

Check it: Upon learning that my buddy has been kidnapped by the Mafia, there are only a few men who would be able to help me in my crusade. First, I would need "Tool Time's" Tim 'The Toolman 'Taylor from Home Improvement. Second, I gotta have Ernie McCracken, aka Big 'Ern from Kingpin, and finally I have to have a master of disguise, Jackie Earle Haley, better known as Kelly Leak from Bad News Bears.

Here is how it goes down. Because Kelly Leak found a way to sneak past Highway Patrol in his route from California to Houston to play the Houston Toro's in Bad News Bears Breaking Training, I now have my man who can get to certain places. Because Kelly is nostalgic towards his old movies, he kept the brown jacket with tassels that it had that made him look like a dork. To further advance his queerness stage, we all make him put on the mesh shirt, which is making his nipples hard enough to cut glass. Now, it is official, he is flaming like a $4 steak.

Meanwhile, once we finally have the van that Kelly Leak used to take his Bears to Houston, we are now on our way to KGB's headquarters, upon arriving, we see it is heavily guarded by mafia henchmen. Wondering how we are going to sneak past the guards, I think of the only logical thing; I remember the Pied Piper, and wonder if playing the ukulele will somehow hypnotize the guards. To my surprise it does; the sound of ukulele music is nectar to the ears of the guards. Big Ern starts to fuck with the hypnotized guards by blowing his comb-over in their faces. This pisses me off, so in order to hide Big Ern's comb-over from doing any further damage, I make him wear the football helmet. After we have gotten past the guards and other henchmen thanks to Big Ern beating everyone with the twigs that we have, much like Joe Jackson did to Michael, Tito, Randy and the rest of the Jackson 5, we make it to the mafia boss.

Because we only have $500 in cash, we need to come up with a plan quickly, so being the smart guy that I am, I order Tim the Toolman, to find a copy machine inside enemy headquarters. What happened next is a thing of legends: I take the money and make photo copies of each of the highest dollar amount; I do this until I get to $400,000. Hoping the mafia boss doesn't know my credit score, I ask him if he takes "I.O.U's", amazingly he says, "Yah", after cutting him a $100,000 IOU, I finally get AJ. It was about this time the mafia boss realizes I have bad credit and found out we were using photo-copied money, so now he is pissed. Really pissed. Rounding out the crew, and finding Kelly Leak pouring honey all over himself, we make our move, but not until we have had a chance to even the score. Using the Toolman's skills, we take the rotten can of tuna fish that he can open because he has all sorts of tools; we combine it with the dog shit, and a 5 month old rotten jug of milk. We take this concoction and hide in the lair of the mafia. The stink is worse than the time me and AJ were in college and left that rotten gallon of milk under Skipper's bed (true story)…like a hundred times worse. After smelling the ass-vapor from this, all the mafia men start running outside hoping for fresh air, well, little did they know but someone called the cops on Big Ern for assault with a concrete dildo (don't ask) and gave them our location. So, once we were outside and fleeing the lair, the cops arrived just in time to apprehend all the mafia men. This is why there is no more Russian mafia in New York.

Afterwards, me and AJ took the $500,000 ransom, went to Scores and then the 50-50 club and I hooked up with Jessica Biel, leaving Derek Jeter crying. AJ hung out with the RZA, GZA, Ghostface Killa and the rest of the Wu-Tang clan. Big Ern found Roy Munson, living in Philly, and chopped off his other hand. Tim the Toolman went back to Detroit and started banging his wife, because, well have you ever been to Detroit? And, as for Kelly Leak, he was last seen looking for his movie career, up to this point, nothing has turned up since….