t’s All About Me
Between debating on what I would write about this week, something came up and was rather intriguing in relation to my topic. Originally, I wanted to discuss Heath Ledger, which could have been tragically unfunny, but then something got the better of me, thus, I decided I would put that off for another week; at least until we learn a little bit more of it.
Last week I wrote about the comparisons between Rocky Balboa and Roger Clemens, with a sprinkle of Ivan Drago in there. After deciding I wouldn't write on Heath Ledger, I thought maybe I would write something about Rocky and why he is the most important movie character in American cinema. The more I thought about said topic, I decided it would be better to put off that topic as well, not because I don't have enough material for it, but because I have too much material for it, and chances are good, it would go somewhere by the way of my Friday Night Blues blog, where I did a comparative analysis of between Friday Night Lights and Varsity Blues.
This past Tuesday, I was sitting at work and got a comment on my MySpace page saying that I had been tagged it. My friend Jamie sent me a comment say I was "it" and to read her blog. Naturally, I was like, "what the fuck is it?" Was I some weird cross between a midget, an Asian, and a Pokemon, or something? Obviously, I needed to find out, so I went to her page and found this:
Here's how you play: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself, at the end choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying (You're It!) and to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you so since you can't tag me back. Let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.
Well, I found my answer and thought this would be kind of cool to do and see if anyone else would do this after I tag 10 of you. I've written a lot of shit about me, some funny, some serious, but all true. What you read below is more stuff about me…as if you needed to know, or importantly, wanted to know about me. Keep reading, maybe one of you will be tagged in this at the end.
10 Random Things about Steven
1. I have taught some of my clients how to do the "Superman" to Soulja Boy's Crank Dat.
Hopefully the board of Texas Health Professionals doesn't find this out, besides, they asked me what was the commotion with this song. Here's the set-up: If you don't know, I work at an outpatient rehabilitation facility and wellness center. Working in the gym area, I have a lot of room to roam around and work with my clients, because we have XM radio here at work, we get just about every music genre at our disposal, some days I will put on a Top 40 radio station and it just happen that Crank Dat came on.
Obviously, I am so hood that I started doing the dance in front of clients, because, well that's just how I roll. Anyway, after showing them the dance, they asked that I teach them how to do, probably because I do it so allsomely (read: I cant dance). After several teachings, I managed to teach them the basics, which is a sight to see….elderly people supermaning dat hoe, really, one of the finer things in life. Well, when I was scrolling through the XM radio stations, I noticed Soulja Boy was on and put the song on; one of my clients started to do the dance and when he did the superman portion of the dance, he ran into the wall and cut himself.
The moral of the story: Obviously, I'm not a great teacher of the Superman
2. I am deathly afraid of snakes.
Seriously, I fucking hate snakes with the passion of Tupac towards the entire Bad Boy family in the classic, Hit 'em Up. I cannot overstate how much this is true, I have a phobia of snakes, I think they are gross and would probably freak out if I saw one in real life, not like at a zoo, but like in life. I don't care if it's a fucking garter snake or a cobra, I hate them. Interestingly, when I do make it to the zoo, the first exhibit I want to see is the snakes. I don't get it.
What I do get why I am afraid of them is this: My freshman year in college I lived in the dorms, and being a baseball player, I lived on a floor with pretty much all baseball players. Anyway, the guys next to the room I lived at knew I hated snakes and couldn't stand them, so the decided to do the smartest thing they could think of and buy a fucking baby boa constrictor. It wasn't huge, but it was a fucking baby boa constrictor, and I hated it. I hated looking at it and hating knowing the spawn of Satan was inside a glass cage next door to me.
Several weeks into the raising of the serpent, they kept trying to get me to touch the fucking snake and pet it; like it was a fucking gerbil, or something. Seriously. I hated that fucking thing. After several failed attempts (read: months) I still wouldn't touch that fucking thing. And, to top it off everyone knew I was afraid of that thing so you can imagine the jokes they would play on me.
And then one day it happened: I flipped. I was taking a shower one night after baseball practice and my friends, at least I thought they were my friends, thought it would be funny if I had some company in the shower with me that night. As I was shampooing my hair and scrubbing my face, all of a sudden I hear, in a yell, "Hey, Ramirez, catch!!!", and all of a sudden, I feel something hit me on the shoulder and hear a thud in the shower. "OH MY FUCKING GOD", I wipe the soap off my head and see the fucking snake in there with me, and mind you, this fucker is like 3 feet long now. As soon as I realize what happened, I ran out of the shower, butt-naked, tearing down the shower curtain, with shampoo running down my ass; all along, my friends were laughing at me. After I calmed down, which took about 2 weeks, I finally agreed to touch the fucking snake and then got on with my life. The only snakes I want to see are the ones in Snakes on a Plane, that said, anyone wanna go to the zoo this weekend with me? I hear there's a gnarly snake exhibit.
3. I'm a lot more outgoing now than I used to be.
Sarcasm is my best friend. For some reason when I was growing up, I was in a shell, I was guarded, face it: I sucked. There were lots of things I thought and felt but never said because I didn't know if I should say it, or afraid of the repercussions of what may happen namely, failure. This was especially prevalent in high school, and even those of you how know me might find that hard to believe, but believe me, it's true. One of the biggest regrets I have from high school is not being more out going, which didn't happen until around my senior year in high school…but in my defense, that senior year was the best year I've ever had in one school year.
As I got into college, I started to come out of my shell a lot more; I was more out-going, became even funnier and obscure at the same time, and just becoming the person who I am today: the man who can write 8 pages on Saved by the
4 I eat a lot.
No, seriously, I do. Actually, I eat more than you can possibly imagine. It's kind of gross really, but one of the finer talents I have in life is the ability to eat mass quantities of food. I swear, it's amazing that I am not obese; luckily I have the metabolism of a champ and burn off calories faster than I retain them, well, that and I work out a shitload too.
Seriously, it's not out of the ordinary for me to order 2 entrees when I go out to restaurants. I've gone to Olive Garden and ordered the Tour of Italy and an order of spaghetti and meatballs, in addition to the breadsticks and salad which are supplied in endless supplies. I've gone to All-You-Can-Eat steak nights and eaten over 10 steaks in one sitting. I've gone to CiCi's pizza and eaten over 35 (yes, 35) slices of pizza in one sitting; when I go to Mexican restaurants, I usually order fajitas for 2 and then another order of enchiladas. Last Christmas, I ate over 20 tamales…face it, I'm a pig when I eat. Luckily, when I go out on dates, I don't order this much food, I don't think they could stomach it.
5 One of my favorite jobs ever was Worlds of Fun
You may be asking yourself, what "Worlds of Fun" is; well, the best way to describe it was a Midwest conglomeration of various amusement park rides and attractions mixed with no shortage of over-weight people and a plethora of mullets, accompanied, no doubt, with a Dokken soundtrack (I'm just guessing). In other words, it is an amusement park in Kansas City, Missouri.
Second of all you may ask why I was working at Worlds of Fuck, as I appropriately dubbed it. Well, when I was in college, we had to raise money in order for trips for Spring Break, among other incurred expenditures. Well, if we worked at Worlds of Fun, we would get paid "X" amount of dollars. The key to working was that you got really, really, drunk the night before (Saturday) and then you would go to Worlds of Fun either hungover, or drunk. Factor in you got to make up names ranging from Clay Taurus to Manuel Hung, and goofing off the entire time and getting in trouble, you had some pretty good times. My favorite day was when AJ and I got in trouble for over-serving milkshakes to everyone and handing out free pizza to the patrons. When we got relegated to washing dishes by the 15-year old boss, we had a huge water fight in the kitchen there was 2 inches of water on the floor and we were soaked…good times. There's hundreds of other stories I have from those 4 years of working. I miss Worlds of Fun as much as I miss college.
6 I like chick flicks.
Well, some of them at least. My favorite one is Bull Durham. I will stand by the declaration that Bull Durham is the quintessential chick flick of all time. If you remember, about a year I ago I wrote why Bull Durham is a chick flick. But, that's not the point of this statement.
I know it's kind of ghey to admit that guys like chick flicks, but, honestly, some of them aren't so bad. Granted, there are several ones out there that suck shit, but then again there are some that are pretty decent. Obviously, my favorite chick flicks of all time are Bull Durham, Love, Actually, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Devil Wears Prada, and, of course, Lesbian Swirlfest 10. Then again, there are countless ones that I really, really hate: The Lake House, Steel Magnolias, and anything on LifeTime movie channel; those are the ones that really, really suck. I'm secure enough to say that I like chick flicks…
7 …But, not as much as porn!
Seriously, who doesn't like porn? Granted some of it is pretty gross, especially when we're talking about midgets, Dirty Sanchezes, animals, golden showers, and Cambodian Creamsicles. Shit like that is either really gross, but then again, it's really funny too. This is why I like porn. It's funny.
There's a reason why it grosses more money than the MLB, NBA, and NFL combined; America, as much as they don't want to admit it, needs porn. Granted I don't watch as much as I did when I was in college, but it's funny to watch. My favorite thing about porn is either the acting, or the titles. I mean, if you have ever really watched porn, it's pretty comical to see and hear the, uh, actresses try and act. It's even funnier to see some random guy pretend he is the Marlon Brando of porn; cracks me up every time. But, the absolute best thing about porn, well, other than the actual porn, itself, is the titles of the movies with, In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon being my favorite, followed by the Sperminator.
8 U2 Vertigo Tour was the best concert I've ever seen.
They came to Houston like 2 years ago and were fucking amazing. I've never seen them live and have wanted to see them for the longest time, yet, never did. Well, that changed when they were on the Vertigo Tour. Unfuckingbelivable. That's about the only way of describing it. They played every one of their songs I wanted to hear with the exception of Angel of Harlem and Sweetest Thing.
Bono is, in my opinion, the greatest front man of any band of all-time. The guy is amazing and epitomizes why they are the greatest band of all-time. That's some pretty lofty praise, but I think they are the greatest. The longevity and success of what they have done is unparalleled by just about every other band. Some people think they're over the top, or they think they're bigger than they actually are, but they hold up to it; they fucking rock. It's impossible to not like one of their songs. I dare you to find any human being who doesn't like With or Without You; it's impossible; which brings me to another declaration, which I want to blog someday: why The Joshua Tree is one of the greatest albums of all-time.
9 I've never been more scared than when I went to Stull, KS.
And not because I was in Kansas. If you've never heard of Stull, KS, do yourself a favor and Google it real quick. I'll tell you the details real quick. The rumor is an old church by a cemetery is one of the Gates to Hell and there are hundreds of urban legends roaming around out there about The Devil, witches, crosses, and other really, really, fucked up shit. I don't know how much is true, but I was definitely shitting my pants when I was there.
You're probably asking why I was even there. Well, it was Easter and I went to Lawrence for a friends house and we all got to talking about Stull somehow and someone suggested that we head out there and see what it was all about, I was against it because I don't need shit like that on my mind, and besides, I am a big fan of Jesus Christ and want him on my side. Needless to say, I went but barely even got outside the car, my friends hopped the fence and went to the church but there was no way in hell I was going to cross the fence, I didn't need no damn Devil fucking up my shit. If you Google the words "Stull, KS Cemetery", you'll see what I'm talking about. I've got enough problems in my life, the last thing I want to worry about is some satanic shit, like in The Exorcist or something.
10 Writing is fun
When I started writing these blogs 2 years ago, never in my imagination would I figure that I would keep writing and having an audience reading what I write. It's one of the neater things about writing: someone taking time out of their day to read what I write. I have a deeper appreciation for all these authors who write and write and write. Never did I think I would have a question published on ESPN.com, or would I ever think I would be printed in a national magazine like Esquire.
My first blog I ever wrote was a paragraph on "Music That Sucks" on Nickelback. It was rather basic and you can imagine who it turned out. Well, the second thing I wrote was on Saved by the Bell and it just grew from there to where I am writing more and more than I ever did. Chalk it up to my personality, or my sense of humor, or the fact that I read as much as I can, but I've come a long way since my embark in this world of writing. If no one reads this fine, and if thousands of people do, that's even better, but one thing is certain, it's a pretty good way to let you guys into my mind and how my thought process is, because as you can probably tell from everything I've written and said, nothing is off-limits.
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