Rachael Ray All-Stars

(written 6/22/07)

I swear I'm not a difficult person. Honestly, I'm not. I am not hard to get along with, save a few exceptions here and there; it takes a lot to get me perturbed. I don't get mad easily, actually I don't think I get mad at all, unless I really feel pretty sure, or hard-headed, about an instance, I usually can let things roll off me and go about my business. That is until today, I am fed up; I am not so much fed off as I am annoyed.

There are literally hundreds of things that piss me off: shitty sequels, Top 40 radio, the Astros bullpen, and, until a few months ago, David Carr. But, in the realm of reality, these things are minute; they are almost insignificant when you really get down the root of the problem. No, no, things like this come and go. (see: David Carr, although the ramifications will never be unfelt if you're Houston sports fan) I am here with a mission, much like one of my most monumental blog introduced; I am back with another installment of an All-Star Team.

Last October I wrote 8 pages on a celebrity All-Star team which I called the Diane Lane All-Stars. These stars refer to attractive, yet unassuming females in Hollywood who you think you have a chance with, yet in reality, you have absolutely no shot at ever hooking up with. After writing that blog, I sent a question to ESPN's Bill Simmons, aka the Sports Guy, regarding this squad, and to my chagrin, he posted the question, answered it, and the Diane Lane All-Stars have become a reoccurring theme with him. Needless to say, next to getting my Masters degree, owning Spotlight Karaoke with my rendition of "Twist and Shout", and getting a birdie on a Par 3 hole by throwing the golf ball (true story), this was one of my greatest achievements…I wish I was kidding, see what I have to live for? Plus, you can Google "Diane Lane All-Stars" and you'll get a bunch of links to my original idea…my mom would be proud.

Getting back to my original point, I told you I get pretty annoyed by certain people, or things, and, well, I came up with a new All-Star team to introduce to you in the lexicon of Steven Ramirez. Ladies and gentlemen I am here to announce the inaugural roster of the Rachael Ray Non-Stars; better known as the celebrities who are completely annoying, and, often, famous for, literally, nothing.

For starters, how did I come up with Rachael Ray as the team designate? Well, it's pretty simple actually, have you ever seen her on TV? My Lord is she annoying, I can't believe she has her own show, where she cooks, yet she isn't a chef. I don't get it. That's like having a porn star direct a feature film…association doesn't mean specialization. The way she acts, talks, and interacts with her guests is just a complete case of unintentional comedy; honestly, check it out sometime, if you're brave enough. Throw in the idea, she reminds me of a brunette version of my ex-girlfriend, I think I feel pretty justified in my selection of Rachael Ray. I just don't see what she does worthy. Oh, she can cook enchiladas, guess what, so can I. I don't have my own show. Toss in the fact she is married, and I honestly feel sorry for the ol' sap, the only legitimate reason I can think of is he is a gold-digger, because there is no way someone would, voluntarily, marry Rachael Ray. Then again, I though the same thing about Seal, you see how that turned out huh?

Moving on along, these people you won't find on the Rachael Ray Non-Stars because they were mentioned in the DLAS blog: Paris Hilton (too easy), Nicole Ritchie (too skinny), Britney (too fucked up), Lindsay Lohan (too strung out), J.Lo (too much of a bitch), and of course, Tara Reid (too fake of a tit-job). Of course I mentioned a lot more, but you get the idea…you're still here Pam Anderson, Janet Jackson, and Heather Locklear, I didn't forget about you.

After pondering for the last week and a half who I though deserved to be included on the 12-person roster, I came up with some prospects, but these people below are on the fringe, meaning they aren't on the Rachael Ray Non-Stars, but they are trying hard to get on it. Think of this as the alternates to the Rachael Ray Non-Stars, much like the Ms. America pageant, if any of the actual stars redeem themselves, these alternates may take their place, at my discretion, of course.

Alternates:

-Pauly Shore: Face it, after Son in Law and Encino Man, the weasel hasn't been the same since, I am just waiting for the day he released a homemade sex-tape, actually, did I say that out-loud? Nevermind, let's just move on…

-Don Imus: This guy is so much of a dickhead he inspired my Eracism blog. Just a complete piece of work, the only reason he's not on the actual roster is because he was fired. Justice was served, yet, at last check, Imus was still an idiot.

-Jar Jar Binks: In the words of my alter-ego, Silky Johnson, "What can you say about this guy that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; he's bombed out and depleted". One of the first, and only to my recollection, animated characters to spark racial debates, was his talking in Star Wars supposed to emulate a slave, or was he just a stupid waste of a perfectly good George Lucas idea? I am leaning more toward the latter.

­­-Big and Rich: We get…you're coming to our city. But, on the behalf of the entire free-world, I would like to thank you for dropping the unparalleled advice to: Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Thanks to you, every middle-aged, white woman now has a theme song to grind to at every honky-tonk in Texas. The only redeeming quality these two have? Yup, they're Texans (although most of us won't claim 'em)

-Eminem: Yeah, b'y, we got the memo: you wanna kill you're wife, or wait, are you with her again? I lose track, he changes his mind about that more than J.Lo gets married. Besides your MTV-ready videos, bleached blonde hair male fans, and lyrics, you are from Detroit, and well, anyone who comes out alive from Detroit is a winner in my book.

-Gilbert Gottfried: Your nasal-pitched voice withstanding, I really have no major qualms with him, especially after the acting clinic he put for us in Problem Child, that performance should be what every to-be Oscar winner should exemplify in their roles…Pacino, my ass.

-Billy Bush: Hey, I ripped on this guy in my running diary of Grease: You're the One I Want. Hey, what hosts doesn't try to sleep with the contestants of the show they're hosting, I mean look at the immortal Bob Barker, he perfected this. Plus, Billy looked like a misplaced Nebraskan who should've been "shucking corn", at least in the eyes of my roommate.

-K-Fed: This is just too easy. How easy? Well, I don't even need to put a reason here because you're already nodding in agreement with me, the only reason he isn't is because, in the end, he wasn't the one who came out looking like a douche-bag…thank you Britney!

-David Blaine: I don't think this guy is really from this earth ('taaah). His magic sucks ('taaah), he sucks ('taaah), and he ruined the NBA playoffs with his commercials ('taah). The redeeming quality about him? Nothing….for once in, like ever, I got nothing smart-ass to say…

-Fred Durst: I think we are all in agreeance he should be on this list (sic) The funny thing is he used the word in a proper manner but because he sucks, he got made fun of, rightfully so. Limp Bizkit hasn't been relevant since, oh, never…sorta like Durst. What separates him from not making the actual roster? The others below are even worse than him.

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Thus, we are brought the inaugural roster of the Rachael Ray Non-Stars, below you will find the celebrities who I have taken upon the initiative to give them their rightfully due process; nevermind because they are completely, unashamedly annoying. Enjoy:

Rachael Ray Non-Stars:

-Julia Stiles: Look, it's not just the fact she thinks we can't understand how hard it is to be an actress, albeit shitty, and yet still attend Columbia at the same time, but it's because she takes perfectly decent movies and finds a way to completely ruin them, Save the Last Dance, Bourne series, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc. Throw in the fact she was compared to a 'young Diane Lane", and, well, you get the drift…last I saw, Diane Lane didn't remind me of Casper the Ghost with breasts.

-Kelly Osbourne: I hate to steal a line from Silky Johnson (again), but he couldn't have said it better, "I got a song for you too bitch, it's called 'Daughter, Don't Sing'". Has there been anyone who has ridden the coattails of their parents more than Kelly, and Jack, Osbourne? Oh wait, two people come to mind: Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie…fine company Kelly is in; at least she's not in jail or anorexic…yet.

-Dr. Phil: Ok, look, you got lucky because apparently Oprah thinks you are the American-Dali Lama. Have you ever seen his show? It's unparalleled; he makes every one of his guests and makes them out to be the bad guy. His whole shtick is just a gimmick, I'm not psychologist, but I think I know people and what this guy does is rip them apart and focus on their negatives. You know who does the same thing? Mass murderers parents. Keep up the great work Phil, Lord knows I won't be watching.

-Jared the Subway Guy: We got it, you eat Subway twice a day and lose 13798 pounds. So, let me get this right, you were obese, started to eat Subway everyday and now you are the spokesman for weight loss across the world? Is that right? I'm sure Jenny Craig is thrilled about you.

-Larry the Cable Guy: Git 'r' done. Thank you for bringing a white-trash nomenclature to the forefront of America. If only I could dress up in cut off flannel and a trucker hat and talk about white-people saying this gawd-awful saying. Look, I'm not racist, but if George Lopez's signature line was "Orale!", would he get the same reaction, or would America think less of him as a comedian? The answer: we'll never know, Lopez is too smart to engage in something so asinine like "getting it done".

-Melissa Rivers: Move over Kelly Osbourne, here is another woman who rides the fame of her parents to make a name for herself. Look Joan, you're ugly, annoying, and just because you wear Dolce doesn't mean you know what the hell you are talking about. And for chrissakes, leave the Red Carpet alone on Oscar night, you bring nothing to the table, except your imminent semblance of a female version of Skeletor…oh look Melissa, I am wearing winged-tipped shoes with a navy three-piece.

-Tony Little: Ah yes, the fitness guru. If you took Fabio and crossed him with Richard Simmons, I am almost 100% sure you would get Tony Little. It's really amazing to see someone with this type of energy, this type of hair, and this type personality become famous. The great thing about this guy is now we know what would happen if Richard Simmons would grow out his hair.

-Fergie: The Jackie Robinson of transsexuals. If you know anything about me, you will know how I feel about it. I don't even want to get into her songs, the fact she has a penis, Adams apple, and a face built for radio should say enough. Her song, Big Girls Don't Cry is the most preposterous one on the radio…how would she know if big girls don't cry? Pretty sure she has a penis.

-Pop, Drop, and Lock It: The most stupid fucking song in the world, worse than anything Avril, Fergie, Nickelback, and Kenny G have ever released. Just about everything that is wrong with radio music these days? If you haven't heard the song, be thankful, you've prolonged your life by 3 weeks.

-T-Pain: I admit it, I've been in love with strippers in the past (or maybe it was the alcohol), and I've offered to buy someone a drink, but I've never made songs out of these and turned it into a career. I only wish I could've thought of this…my guess is this, his next song will be about a one-night stand, it's gotta' be right? Right? I'm sure it'll be on the radio soon, stay tuned.

-Rosie O'Donnell: You would think she would learn to keep her mouth shut. You would think not to be so outspoken, you would think she could be a better spokesperson for the lesbian community, you would think she would quit pining for the Price is Right job, you would think "how in the world is she still relevant", yet everywhere we go she is there on TV, radio, Internet…you would think she would feel more comfortable at a buffet than on Larry King, but I digress.

And the final member of the Rachael Ray Non-Stars:

-Tucker Max: If you don't know who he is, Google him; you'll be appalled to hear about what he does. Look, I know I'm an asshole sometimes, I know I do things that aren't the smartest, I know I say things that piss people off, I know I can be the biggest dickhead in the entire free-world, BUT one thing I don't do is chronicle them and publish my conquests of random hook-ups, getting drunk, and pissing people off…call me off-the-wall, but one thing you wont call me is Tucker Max. I don't know how someone could live with themselves like this (honestly). The sad thing is he has is own website, own book, and is rich; all for being a complete asshole.

And there you have it; the first ever Rachael Ray Non-Stars, sure you may agree with me, or you may disagree with me, but chances are you were probably thinking that some of these people were pretty aggravating. Like I said, I know I'm not perfect, I know I do things that are pretty juvenile, and I know I may piss you, or annoy you, scare you, or do something that'll make you wonder about me, but, believe me, compared to these people, I am an Eagle Scout. So, if you excuse me, I gotta go, Carrot Top is about to be on TV, until next week, stay low…