I am back with another special installment of my weekly blog; if you remember the last time I brought you a blog in this style, I was a guest interviewer for Spin magazine set to clear up the shittiness of Nickleback, and as luck would have it, Details magazine has gotten hold of said blog, thought the world of it, and they have asked me to interview one of the most idiotic girls in the entire free-world.
If you haven't been keeping up with the world of pop culture, some bitch has been arrested (again) for drunken driving, in addition to possession of cocaine, and a charge of bringing a controlled substance into a holding facility (I didn't know that was against the law). The editors of Details have asked me to try to get inside this girl's brain…let's face it, they could have asked me to get inside something else of hers, but I had to inform them I am allergic to penicillin. I proudly bring to you an interview with a walking train wreck, otherwise known as Lindsay Lohan. Enjoy.
Lindsay Lohan: Like, Steven…(heard mumbling: "Damn, you're hot")…I want to thank you for taking time out of your work schedule, to interview me, I think I owe it to my fans to take this opportunity to say some things I need to get off my chest.
LL: Ok?
SR: So, I think when I ask this, I speak for the free world: Did you get a breast reduction, or did you lose a shit load of weight?
LL: Well, to be honest with you, I lost weight, but it wasn't the smartest way
SR: What do you mean?
LL: It was the cocaine that made me lose all the weight, and I lost my two best assets.
SR: Yeah, I think males across the world were upset with you for losing the twins.
LL: Cocaine's a helluva' drug.
SR: (slowing enunciating) Riiiight.
LL: Like, I didn't mean it like that. I meant to say, it wasn't the smartest because it was costly.
SR: You mean it cost you a lot of hard times and put you through personal struggles, right?
LL: No way! I meant it was costly because I was spending upwards of $10,000 on cocaine a month. That's what I mean when I said "costly".
SR: You mean, other than financial woes, cocaine hasn't caused any problems in your life?
LL: Not really, I mean I'm rich, so I can pretty much do whatever I want, same thing with
SR: You're not "tight"
LL: What do you mean?
SR: Well, let's just say I have my sources…but let's get back to the question: you don't mind the legal hassles, the constant mockery at your expense, and the general hate aimed in your direction?
LL: You know, it never really got to me, I guess I was able to block everything out.
SR: Well, thank God for Grey Goose!
LL: Actually, I like Ketel One better.
SR: My bad.
SR: No, I don't smoke.
LL: Why?
SR: Because I don't suck.
SR: Speaking of
LL: Well, we've had our differences, but in the end she is a great girl and I would love to model to career like hers.
SR: How so?
LL: Like, come on, you know she's a huuuuge movie star, that's how I wanna be.
SR: So you want to be in your own unauthorized porno with your ex-boyfriend?
LL: Well, not like that, but, well, you never know… (giggling)
SR: Please don't, L-Lo, I don't think the world is ready to see
LL: (shrieking) Ohmygod…you have that on tape?!
SR: Lindsay, it's not like the general public hasn't seen your private parts already.
LL: What?!?!
SR: You're serious? You mean to tell me, you don't know how you got the name "Fire Crotch"?
LL: No, not really.
SR: I'm speechless.
LL: Thank God.
SR: Why do you say that?
LL: It's just that people label me in the same category as people like Paris and Nicole, but I am much more than that.
SR: What do you mean, "more than that"?
LL: Well, I have released music CDs, been in countless movies, and been featured in magazines like Maxim and FHM.
SR: Yeah, but so have they, well maybe not Nicole because Halloween isn't until several months away.
LL: I just think I have so much more to offer, there are things I can do that they can't, and things I have done that they haven't.
SR: You know, you're right: rehab is one of those things.
SR: How did your rehab go? Obviously, it didn't work…
LL: (interrupting) Well, that's not entirely true…it did help a little.
SR: What do you mean it helped you, you just got busted again for the same shit!
LL: Yeah, but before I went to rehab I was really, really, addicted to crystal meth and, especially sniffing rubber cement…now, I don't do those things anymore…
SR: You're parents must be proud of the way you turned out, huh?
LL: Well, my mom is, I don't know about my dad.
SR: You bring up an excellent point; let's talk about your dad.
LL Do we have to?
SR: Do you have to keep getting busted?
LL: Fine.
SR: Explain to situation to us again with you and your relationship with your dad.
LL: (sighs, exhales slowly) Well, it's like this, I pretty much, like, disowned him because he got too, like, destructive, and shit. He would leave us while we were growing up and do all sorts of drugs and other, just, crazy shit.
SR: Probably, huffing paint, too.
LL: (giggling) Yeah, tellmeaboutit.
SR: So, you don't have father now, you disowned him because, and I quote, "he got too destructive", is that right?
LL: Yeppers.
SR: So, then what does your family think about your behavior, isn't this sorta the same thing? Cocaine, vodka, and paint thinners are not the way to go through life.
LL: But, it's not the same!
SR: Why not?!?
LL: Because I'm still growing up, I'm not an old person
SR: You're stupid.
SR: Let's talk a little bit about your upbringing; you grew in a pretty good environment, well, except for that whole "disowning your father thing".
LL: Yah, I mean, we were financially ok; we didn't have to worry about money and stuff, so we had some good times…you know, but we, like, also had some rough times.
SR: I saw that you went to public high schools growing up, right?
LL: Yeah, I was so not thrilled about those days (rolling eyes)
SR: Well, why's that?
LL: Because we were rich! We could've afforded to go to private schools.
SR: I mean, it seems that your entire life, you've had everything you've always needed; in other words, money wasn't an option.
LL: Yeah, I know. It's great isn't it?
SR: How the hell would I know?
LL: I dunno
SR: You know, one thing I do know, and gotta' ask is this: If money isn't a factor, why don't you hire a driver to escort you, Paris, Nicole, and the other spoiled whores around? It's not like you cant afford it.
LL: I dunno, I never really thought about it; I guess it reminds me of a taxi, and I cant be seen like that.
SR: Well, it's sure is a lot better than being seen in a mug shot. You do realize you look like cracked-out hoe, right?
LL: Actually, I didn't think it was that bad. Not like some of the others.
SR: Speaking of others, I gotta ask you this question that I am sure all the male readers want to know about you and the movie Mean Girls.
LL: Awww, I loved that movie; it was so much fun. I knew there was something about me and that movie, it really brought fame and jumpstarted careers.
SR: Yeah, it sure did. I am a huge fan.
LL: Thank…
SR: (interrupting) Hold on a second, I was talking about Lacey Chabert; is she really that hot in person? I love her
LL: (dejectedly) She's okay, I guess, I mean she is cool…
SR: …and Rachael McAdams too. I have a pair of balls, so I didn't see The Notebook, but I did see Wedding Crashers and she seems like a good girl too.
LL: She is a good person too, I mean, all the girls in that show were great people; Lacey, Rachael, Amanda (Seyfried)…Tina (Fey). They were all great, and good-looking.
SR: Yeah, it must have sucked to have been the most popular name in the cast, but being the ugliest one, huh? Hell, even Tim Meadows was alright
LL: (in disbelief) Really, do a lot of people think that?
SR: Oh yeah, trust me…come on, the only red-head that America loves is Jessica Rabbit, and maybe Wendy, from the Wendy's restaurants.
SR: Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years?
LL: Ewww, that's a great question…you know, like, I haven't really thought about that.
SR: I assume you will settle down by the, huh?
LL: I honestly don't know, maybe venture into music more, I would really like to work with Nickelback some day
SR: I've heard it all now…
LL: Yeah, really, they are great musicians, I mean some of the best on the radio, don't you think?
SR: Yeah, their sound is about as great as hearing a wet fart.
LL: I don't know, I like their song, "Rock Star"; it's really how I model my life…partying like a rock star, like Nickelback.
SR: My God, the world is going to shit…
SR: Honestly, Lindsay, why do you keep putting yourself in these type of situations?
LL: You know, I don't really now, it just seems that I can do pretty much whatever I want and don't have to worry about laws or anything like that.
SR: So, do you think you, and celebrities, are above the law, or because you have money, you can get away with actions no one else can?
LL: I do I guess, I mean, I went to rehab but it was just like a summer retreat; it was pretty fun though, Robert Downy Jr was there, and I heard Drew Barrymore and Charlie Sheen have also been there, so I think they know what they're doing at the rehab.
SR: Yeah, but Charlie and Drew have turned their careers around and have been pretty much living a good life; they don't go in and out of rehab on a monthly basis.
LL: Wow, I never really thought about that
SR: Yeah, I guess you can say they have grown up, well, except Robert, you never know when he's gonna blow someone in the restroom for blow.
LL: You know, I guess I don't wanna be lumped in the same category as John Belushi, Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix
SR: How's that?
LL: Well, celebrities who died before their time was up; drugs took them away too soon.
SR: Wait just a damn minute: Did you just put yourself in the same category as those people?
LL: Yeah, why?
SR: Because you suck, there is no way in hell you will ever be in their realm of awesomeness; don't disrespect them like that.
LL: You're just jealous of me?
SR: I am!?!?
LL: Yeah, you know you are, this whole interview you've been trying to size me and, and, I bet in the back of your mind you're thinking of how you can try to get with me; it's just jealousy you're experiencing right now.
SR: (dumfounded) Really?
LL: Really…
SR: You know what Lindsay, I've been wanting to say this the entire interview, but for professional courtesy I didn't say anything…here's
LL: (excitedly) Say it!
SR: ..what I've been wanting to say: because you are this fucking "great" celebrity who is rich and famous and barely into her 20's; you think you are above others who don't have what you have. Bullshit, you are just a stupid, lost, insecure little girl who has a lot of growing up to do. The world doesn't give a shit what you do with your life, because you're on TV all the time, or in Vegas every weekend doesn't make you cool…somewhere you lost that memo. At the rate you are living your life, you'll be lucky to see 30 years old. You have millions of dollars, somehow still have fans, yet you are too stupid to realize this and change you life; it's sad really.
LL: (tears in her eyes)…
SR: Yeah, Lindsay, I'm pretty jealous of you…
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