Karaoke^max

(written 8/27/07)

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I like attention. For some reason, being the center of attention doesn't bother me, and I find myself enjoying being the center of attention. Not in a crazed perverted way where I am humping a dog, but like Tupac says, I like "having all eyes on me". Interestingly enough, there are lots of times when I am a shy person, it seems like a huge conflict of interest, but, I guess that's why Bud Light is so easily accessible. As long as I can remember, from my days in high school to, most recently, last week, I've been pretty good at cracking jokes, making off-the-wall remarks, and being just a general goofball; other people may differ with their description of me, but one thing's for sure, I'm unique.

With this revelation, I think I know why I enjoy something, which scares, or frightens people: karaoke. I have no absolute problem getting on stage in front of a hundred random strangers and singing my little heart out; as a matter of fact, I welcome those opportunities. I think I might be the only one. Just last week, I was at a bar and within 20 minutes I went to my fastball, my bread-and-butter, if you will: I sang New Kids on the Block's The Right Stuff….complete with the side-to-side jump steps and the shoulder lean (before T.I. made it popular) If you haven't been out with me to a karaoke bar, or just a bar who happens to have karaoke on certain nights, you are missing out. Simply put, I am the Vince Young of karaoke (except a lighter shade of pigmentation).

There are a lot of things in this world I don't know much about, but one thing do know is karaoke. No, I didn't take Karaoke 101 at Houston Community College, but when you've done it as much as I have…and brought the house down like I have in the past, well; I think I am more than qualified to talk about it. Basically, it's like asking Rachael Ray about cooking, sure she's not a chef, per se, but she is fat…so that counts for something.

The point of this? Well, it serves two reasons:

a) It's a lighter topic than some of the last ones I have been writing, and I can crack more jokes

b) This will serve as a guide to karaoking like a champ.

Enjoy, below you will find the "Definitive Guide to Karaoke". Frankly, when it comes down to it, this piece of literature is up there with the Dead Sea Scrolls, The Bible, and "The Code" for Contra.

Rule 1

If you have just recently been dropped like 5^th period Spanish by your significant other, please, please, PLEASE do not sing any tear-jerker, romantic, or heart-wrenching songs. No one at the bar wants to hear how sad you are and how pathetic your life now seems without your soul mate (who happens to be 18, by the way). Bars are fun, no sense in bringing the mood down. This means Savage Garden, 98 Degrees, Matchbox 20, and all songs sung by women (assuming you are a guy) are off limits…sorry, no Celine Dion, Chaka Khan, and definitely, under no circumstances, Big Girls Don't Cry.

Anecdote to this rule: Songs by early-George Strait, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Sr. and Keith Whitely are more than acceptable, as a matter of fact, they might get you laid.

Rule 2

Singing a difficult song can be treacherous, whether it be Take on Me by A-Ha or I Believe in a Thing Called 'Love' by The Darkness, that much we know. As a guy it's hard to come off sounding like you don't have any nuts…pretty much what David Lee Roth sounds like. This part we understand, especially if you aren't David Lee Roth; however, difficult songs don't simply mean you get a free pass for sucking on stage. Throw the crowd a bone, entertain us, start an impromptu free-style like Method Man, do something to get the crowd back on your side…fake-stripping works well, as the crowd tends to appreciate this. Cougars especially appreciate this, assuming you are a guy, if you are a girl fake-stripping, you're a slut

Anecdote to this rule: Acting like a complete jackass while up on stage is not acceptable; it's bad form. This means no "whacking off" hand signals, calling your friends "a homo" over the speakers, and definitely not trying to pick-up said cougar who is getting hot over your rendition of I Touch Myself.

Rule 3

Look, every one likes rock music, whether you admit it or not, we all want to party like a rock star, or maybe that's just because it's been engrained in our ears…no thanks to 97.9 The Boxx. Some of the most classic songs of all time are anthems, from the National Anthem to Uptown Anthem by Naughty by Nature; but this doesn't mean you can sing a 10 minute rock song, while you try to channel your inner Robert Plant. In other words, you get up on stage and sing Stairway to Heaven, it's just not right, you can't do it. Furthermore songs with extremely long guitar solos are off limits too, which basically means you cant sing anything from November Rain to One from Metallica.

Anecdote to this rule: Excessively long songs are off-limits; however, one song which gets a free pass, and will always get a free pass is American Pie. Sure, it's 9 minutes long, but it's 9 minutes of Americana at it's finest…plus, even if you don't know what the song is about, or the lyrics, the crowd always helps you out, which is a definite positive when karaoking

Rule 4

Look, no one wants to hear you perform Smells like Teen Spirit, I don't want to hear it, the DJ doesn't want to hear it, and everyone else in the bar doesn't want to hear it, so please do us all a favor and don't do it. Crowd involvement is optimal, the more you have the crowd following you and your dancing, the better the experience will be. In other words instead of picking some nu-metal crap-fest like, like Linkin Park, pick a cheesy song the crowd can get into. Ideal songs include The Beatles version of Twist and Shout, and Prince's Pussy Control. When the crowd is having fun while you're up there, you're doing something right.

Anecdote to this rule: Yeah, the crowd likes to dance, especially to really crappy songs, but this doesn't give you the right to select The Tootsie Roll by the 69 Boyz, Da Dip by Freak Nasty, and definitely not UNK's Walk it Out…thus proving 2 things: dance hip-hop songs are horrible selections, and on the scale of unintentional comedy, for the most part, white people dancing is fucking hilarious…save Justin Timberlake, and of course, Michael Jackson.

Now, we come to the four rules you must always follow when karaoking:

Rule 5

Never, ever sing any song by the following bands, during karaoke (with my prejudices aside): Nickelback (who didn't see this coming), Creed, Pearl Jam, Hinder, and Daughtry, Seven Mary Three, Stone Temple Pilots, Temple of the Dog, and just about every other 90's modern rock band. Basically all these bands suck (save Pearl Jam and consequently Temple of the Dog) and you don't want your karaoke legacy to be shadowed by the sucktitude of their music. The only reason the bands here mentioned other than Pearl Jam are famous and popular is because they have tried to emulate their style, without the substance. In other words they suck. Expect immediate boos and hisses from the crowd if you play one of their songs, especially if I am in the same bar as you. Pearl Jam shouldn't be sung because Eddie Vedder's voice is so unique that at times even he doesn't know the words to the songs, so why should you try?

Anecdote to this rule: You should never have a meaningful song selected by these bands either, i.e. wedding songs. You don't want your first dance song at your wedding being With Arms Wide Open because, well, you don't want to remember dancing to that musical pile of shit on the most memorable day of your life. Which reminds me, I went to a wedding with an ex one time, the first song they chose to dance to with the wedding party? Live's I Alone, I shit you not…sometimes I wonder about people.

Rule 6

Quick: why does country music get a bad rap? Because of crap-tacular songs from Gretchen Wilson, Carrie Underwood, Big and Rich, Keith Urban, and Brad Paisley, among others. Ok, we get it you're a redneck woman, you don't have to profess it to us. I get the point, you would rather have a girl ride a cowboy than a horse, or you're here to warn us about the possible dangers of ticks. No, need to sing about it. Pop-country music songs are what gives it a bad name…well that and Toby Keith. Novelty songs, especially country ones, are just that: novelties, no need to give them more exposure than necessary, plus you look like a huge douhcebag singing them.

Anecdote to this rule: Contrary to popular belief, country songs are some of the best songs to sing, however if you're going to select one, select a prominent one, one from a performer who has staying power after 10 years. Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks might be the best example of this song. Interestingly enough, Texas country music should be on song lists, there might be nothing greater than singing Texas on My Mind in Texas. Yes, I'm biased

Rule 7

Duets rule. Seriously. The beauty of having a duet is some of the stage fright is taken away. Often times, people wont karaoke because they are scared of something, like a monster or something, in reality having a friend up there takes the edge off. Furthermore, it doesn't matter if you are singing a "guy-girl" song and there are 2 dudes up there, it's all in good fun. Plus, a guy, knowingly, singing a woman's verse off-key is added comedic value. The obvious selection in this category would be Human League's Don't You Want Me? There is nothing more manly than singing, "I was working as waitress in a cocktail bar" in the world, with apologies to Mama Said Knock You Out.

Anecdote to this rule: If you are going to sing a duet with your buddy, avoid, at all costs songs by: Milli Vanilli, Wham!, Insane Clown Posse, and, Nelson. Performances of their music will ensure that you, and your buddy, are, in fact, gay; flaming like a $2 steak, to be exact. Interestingly enough, Simon and Garfunkel is not only acceptable, but also recommended.

Corollary to this rule: On the topic of sounding gay, music by Elton John is absolutely acceptable. Tiny Dancer is one of the greatest songs to sing out loud, no matter your orientation. Remember the scene in Almost Famous when they're singing the song on the bus? Well, it's not random coincidence they chose that song. Other acceptable gay music: Dan Hartman Band, Luther Vandross (shocking, I know). Unacceptable music includes, but not limited to: Ricky Martin, Lance Bass, and Nickelback

Rule 8

The most important rule of all: have fun. It's karaoke, it's not something you are supposed to take serious. Too many times people are afraid to just let loose and have fun; this is the perfect medium for that. Lots of psychologist say music is the best form of therapy, I think laughter is the greatest form of medicine…karaoke offers both of these at once, with your friends no less. Have fun with it, no one really cares how great you sing, or how bad you sing, its just that you did sing. Life is too short to worry about particulars in your life; you start worrying about everything and you're just going to kill yourself. Enjoy the cheesy moments on stage, but more importantly in life…in 10 years no one is going to remember your performance, so what's the point of worrying? There is none; have fun with it, but more importantly have fun with your life. Sure, there's a time to grow up and act mature in certain situations, but who's to say, you have to do that all the time? No one. Don't take life too serious; otherwise, you'll never make it out alive.

Anecdote to this rule: I rule. That is all.

Sure there are other rules to follow, but these are the main ones. I may have left a few out, but you get the general idea.

So, if you excuse me, I gotta go to get my attire on for the Astros game tonight. It's 80's Night at the game and I am going as, yep, Daniel LaRusso. As Stoney LaRue sings, "it's Friday, and we're getting tore up"…sounds like I am headed to Hunter's afterwards, if anyone wants to join. Guess, what? Yep, it's karaoke night…until next week.