Welcome to a special installment of my weekly blog. As you may, or may have not, heard there is a reality show featuring the movie Grease. It premiered last night on NBC,
7:00pm- Grease: You're the One I Want. Interesting plot, yet I cant believe Grease sold out and was made into a reality show. They cant be serious, there is no way this show works out, right?
7:08- After some introductions and other stuff I didn't pay attention to, we get to our first contestant. She sings, the crew asks her to do it over, presumably because it sucked. She complies…and advances. That's it? Fuck, I can do that. I want in. Good God.
7:10- A woman named Robin is next. She was, uh, how should I say this, hideous, I guess would be one way of putting it. "Are you in theater?" the crew asks. "Are you a man, Robin" is what they should have asked. She's out. Thank Christ.
7:12- A woman named Caitlin is next, apparently she "wants in"…don't we all, Caitlin?
7:14-Commercial for renting Blockbuster movies online. Is it really that hard to go to Blockbuster and pick out movies? I mean, ordering rentals on-line, what's next ordering a bride online? Oh wait…let's just move on.
7:16-David Ian is playing the role of Simon Cowell. For the record, Simon > David. It's not that Ian is bad, but Simon is the original prick, and there will never be another prick like him, well, unless Dane Cook is a judge.
7:17-The host, Billy Bush, no relation to Reggie, is trying to get laid with the contestants 24-7. He and a, seemingly, Australian chick are the hosts. The girl is a little less penis-off, er, I mean, hands-off than Billy Bush is. Wait, doesn't Billy Bush sound like a porn stars name, or is it just me?
7:18-The next contestant says, "I suck" after their performance. No argument here, buddy.
7:19- Oh, I see Pee Wee Hermann is auditioning for the role of Danny, or maybe it's Kenickie, I'm not sure.
7:20-Mike is next, he gets a bone thrown to him…not very solid, but, I guess, we are awarding mediocrity (which explains Nickelback record sales). Cue to Billy Bush, he is still trying to get laid by some girl named Fawn who got 2 chances to advance…n'yet, on both accounts.
7:27-Bronx
7:32-Another contestant is booted off the stage. She asks, is she "too old", "dresses too racy?" I guess she never took into consideration she looks like beef jerky. Want a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim!
7:33-I just realized I am watching a reality show. Shoot me. Although I was doing some thinking, NBC has a pretty solid selection of shows, Friday Night Lights, My Name is Earl, The Office, Apprentice, and now, Grease. I mean, I was all about NBC because I love Dominique Sachse and she's the reason I watch the news, but I could get behind NBC now.
7:34- We're back. Here we have Vince singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Funny, I would have called it "Crappy Little Thing Called Singing". Moving on…
7:35- Cara. She has a great audition. She is innocent-looking, much like Sandra D in the movie, and I bet deep down she is a dirty little minx in bed. I think I found my leader. I'm stoked!
7:36-New contestant says she has "talent as big as her hair." Huh? She then says "it's bigger than her hair", I was thinking almost as big as her waist, but I guess that's just me. Imagine Carrot Top as an 18 year old girl…now add a few pounds. Like a lot.
7:38-It's about time someone sang "Greased Lightning", man this was the joint. Imagine a screwed and chopped version of this song. Too bad the guy gets cut though. We cue to Billy and we see him picking up his pants, I guess he was getting jiggy with it. Na Na Na Na Na NaNa
7:46-Yes, Rebecca, the pharmaceutical rep is next. She advances. She is my 2nd favorite right now.
7:48-Matt advances singing an Elvis song. I guess any song goes. I don't know anymore.
7:50-Hugh Grant has another movie being released, another chick flick is coming out, guys proceed with caution. Wait, yep, it's being released on Valentine's Day. Man, I'm glad I wont have to see that. (I know you're probably thinking about when I said I loved Love, Actually, but dammit, it was a good movie, I will stick to that until the day I am dead, so you cant say I love Hugh Grant. My buddy AJ does, though.)
7:52-Hey how come no one has sung the movie title, Grease? I mean, I know Frankie Avalon killed the original (in a good way), but still you gotta have that song. That's like going to a Gun's-n-Roses concert and not hearing "Welcome to the Jungle"…even with Axl and his plastic cornrows, you know that song is being played.
7:53-Now we are in the second day, which means the people who made the cut are back to learn a dance routine for the judges, if the judges like what they see, they advance to the Grease Academy, which I presume is next door to Police Academy. Hey, if you see Mahoney, tell him I miss him.
7:53-A guy named Max is back with his hair cut and a new wardrobe. He was let in but he had to change his image. He looks like a Mexican greaser from 1958, with a Gap shirt. I am saying he is my darkhorse candidate to advance. I bet he has a chance, we shall see.
7:55-Cara is schooling mofo's. It's official I am in love. She is my favorite, no doubt about it. She can sing, dance, and looks hot. I bet she would beat me in karaoke, although I would probably let her win…
7:56-Ok, Carrot Top's kid had her thong sticking out. I don't need to see these things, especially in High Def. What was I thinking?
7:57-I wonder if Cara is single? I would definitely call her, as a matter of fact, I call her. This is one of the ultimate compliments one can receive. You know, how you can call shotgun, first in line, remote control, all-time QB, etc. and as of now, I call Cara. So, when she blows up and is the next best thing, you cant say you like her, remember, at
8:01-As creator of The Diane Lane All-Stars, I nominate Diane Keaton to the squad. Maybe not now, but like 10 years ago, she was worthy. Posthumously, I am also adding Sophia Loren, but not Marilyn Monroe. Sorry, but I prefer brunettes. (Sorry I saw a trailer with her in a movie)
8:02-Somehow, John Cena (aka the Marine) made the cut, although he gets cut on his second day. Too bad. Deja, the sista', is next. I didn't think she would make it, but wow, she came up huge, good for her. She advances. Ashley, the first one who came on and sung twice during her audition moves on as well.
8:05-Tugboat is out. She claims she "ain't going nowhere". Please do us a favor…
8:06-Max, the darkhorse, is on. Heck yeah, he backed me up, buddy is moving on.
8:08-So, I ran 9 miles on Saturday. (no guys, I wasn't at a volleyball game drunk) I'm sore…remind me not to do that again.
And that wraps up the LA scene….now we are moving on to
8:14-Kathleen our first contestant is sick. She is pretty good though…solid showing.
8:15-Dominic is up next, he's 42 years old, although looks like 35. I bet he moves on though...we shall see. He might be a virgin, though.
8:21-Ok, I'll admit it; I would have sexy-time with Ivanka Trump. Like you wouldn't.
8:24-I'm speechless. Not in a good way.
8:25-We're on to the cuts. The 17-year old is in, maybe the producers will put her in a sweatshop in
8:26-I hope the 42 year old virgin stays away from my girlfriend.
8:30-End.
And, there you have it, on a somewhat somber note, thanks in large part to Max; you have a brief update of what happened on Grease: You're the One that I Want. You know I hate reality shows, but for some reason I think I will be watching this one for a while. I don't know what's happening to me, the end of the world must be upon us, or maybe the Texans are making the playoffs next year. Who knows? All I do know is that this looks like an interesting show, anyway, wanted to give you my take on a reality show about Grease. Honestly, it's like mixing water and oil…let's just hope the end product is worthwhile. All I know is that Grease is the word. Peace.
Yes, you will get another blog on Friday. It's your lucky week. Play the lotto.
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