American Gladiators: Running Diary

(originally written 1/8/08)

When I was growing up as a kid, I saw an abundance of television; this happens when you have a babysitter who doesn't speak English and your parents don't trust you to go outside because of the dangers a ghetto like Sugar Land, TX has to offer. I watched a lot of television, sitcoms, movies, and of course, game shows. Some of favorite shows were Gilligan Island, Salute Your Shorts, and of course, A Current Affair. Game shows always had me tuned in because I wanted to be on those shows: I wanted to be the guy who would spin the wheel on Price is Right and win the Showcase Showdown. My favorite shows growing up were: Double Dare so I could have said "Physical Challenge", GUTS because I had a crush on Moira Quirk and her English accent, and Press Your Luck because I wanted to hang out with the Whammies.

But there was a show I saw all the time and I knew that I had to be on this show, I needed this show because, well, sometimes, its fun to get the shit knocked out of you by a 225 pound 'roided-up beefcake. (Yes, I just used the term "beefcake"; I think I'm gay now). Anyway, American Gladiators was the show just about every male over the age of 12 wanted to be on and when I heard it was a making a comeback after 14 years, I knew I had to keep a running diary. It's one of my rules in life:

1) Never doubt Vince Young (I know, I know, he lost yesterday, but even Jesus had a few bad days)

67) Always over-tip a hot waitress

54,157) Always keep a running diary of American Gladiators

Anyway, here is what transpired Sunday, January 6^th, 2008.

Catching the tail end of Deal or No Deal, God, this show really sucks; I mean it. It sucks hard, with reckless abandon. What the hell happened to Howie Mandel? I mean this is the same guy who was the voice for Gizmo in Gremlins. Isn't that enough to get him a pass from reality shows? We need to figure this out and save Howie.

Alright, and now the lead up to American Gladiators, there's a bunch of previews amongst other stuff. This is a great opportunity to fill you in on a secret about these gladiators. Last Friday night, I was at dinner at Cadillac Bar and my buddy Jason reveals to me one of the new gladiators was a former gay porn star. I mean, seriously, how many jokes can I think with this type of ammo? I have about 100 jokes I can think of already.

8:00pm: Showtime! Let's get it the fuck on. I haven't been this pumped for a game show since "Who Wants to Marry a Homosexual Midget?" Right away we learn that American Gladiators debuted about 20 years ago and is making its triumphant return: obviously, in the same regard Z. Cavvarichi jeans will now make a return 20 years later.

8:01: One of the contestants says "being a gladiator will change my life". This made me think of the line in Airplane, "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

8:02: Holy shit! It's Hulk F'n Hogan, of course he's dressed like Hollywood Hogan in his WCW days. I bet secretly he is wearing his yellow tights underneath his outfit and is going to break them out during the Eliminator; we can hope, can't we? On the flipside, Layla Ali is the other host, I'm sure Muhammad is proud.

8:03: And now, we are introduced to the Gladiators: Titan, Venom, Toa, Crush, Mayhem, Stealth, Justice, Siren, Fury, Helga, Militia, and, my favorite, Wolf. These names also double as porn names for the gladiators as well.

-I had to find out which one of the gladiators was the former gay porn star, if you're wondering at home its Militia. I would have picked a kick ass name instead of Militia, something along the lines like Cockbanger, or Rusty Bullethole, you know, something that strikes fear in the hearts of contestants. This cant be fair, I mean, if you were in Command and Conquer against Militia, would you really want to be rolling around on the floor with him…in tights, knowing he has, well, done gay movies? I don't think so, it really gives the name "Command and Conquer" a new meaning to him though, I'm guessing.

8:04: And, we're on with the female contestants. We have Jesse (a white girl) against Koya ( a black girl). I'm hoping they don't play basketball against each other. Nope, they're playing "Power Ball" where they have to place balls in a cylinder for points while dodging gladiators.

8:07: Koya apparently didn't get the memo because she's supposed to be placing them in the cylinders and she's shooting jump shots. That's it, I'm changing her name from Koya to Kobe. Mark that down.

8:08: 8 minutes into the competition, Jesse is hurt; she's out with a knee injury. She should ask for a refund, or at least gas money. To commercial we go…

8:11: We're back, unfortunately Jesse will be unable to continue because she is out with an injury. Early x-rays say she is out with broken pride.

8:12: On to the men's competition. We have Chad, a skateboarder from California, versus Anthony, a New York firefighter. Seriously, next to Tupac vs. Biggie, this might be the greatest east coast vs. west coast feud ever. The object of the game is to put balls in a hole, right? You would think the Cockbanger would be ideal at this game

8:13 The men will be facing Titan, Toa, and Wolf. The competition ends with Anthony owning Chad, I mean Chad had no chance, like none whatsoever. The score is 12-2 in favor of Anthony. Commercial break…

8:17: Venus, Jesse's replacement, is in the joust taking on Crush. 8 seconds into the match, Venus is down for the count and then thrown into the water. It wasn't even fair, then again, Venus is a petite Asian, so that should be mentioned. Another fucking commercial break, jeez, stop with them already.

8:22: Kobe versus Crush in the joust now. We hear the announcer say "Crush to her knees!!" Somewhere backstage, Militia is aroused. Crush disposes of Kobe and we have a draw, score is 4-2 Kobe.

8:23: Hang Tough is next up for the men. Basically, Anthony is up first against…Militia!!! Woohoo! The announcer says they are going "head to head", somewhere in the world, NBC censors just shouted, "THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!!! REFRAIN FROM USING GAY SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS!!!" And if they didn't, they should have.

8:24: Unsurprisingly, Anthony defeats Militia. And we soon learn that Militia is out with an injury to his arm and has to leave the competition. If you're scoring at home, this is code for: Militia has to go make more gay movies backstage.

8:25: Anthony to Militia: "You know how I know you're gay? You were in gay porn". Alright, so maybe that never happened, but you know Anthony was thinking it.

8:26: Awooooooo!!!!!! Wolf slams Chad into the water. Is it just me, or do you think Wolf has a "Born to Roam" shirt? Seriously, anytime you're named after a wolf, you just don't get fucked with. Score is 22-2 Anthony.

8:28: Next competition is a new one called "Earthquake"; it's basically wrestling on a suspended platform. Venus is first, and because she was in the water from last competition, she is nipping. Hard. She's going first against Fury, who is basically the Fergie of American Gladiators. Their grapple looks like something out of a lesbian porn, seriously, even Hulk says, "wow, you wouldn't want to have those legs wrapped over you" I'm assuming he was talking about Fergie. Venus pulls off the upset.

8:32: Kobe is thrown over the ledge in her battle with Fury-licious. That wasn't even fair, I mean, sure Kobe was good at Power Ball but that's because she was hooping.

8:34: Titan, Justice, and Awwwooooo!!! Are up against Anthony in Hit-n-Run where the contestants try and avoid huge balls being hurled at them. Sadly, Militia isn't here to partake in the contest; he would suck (pun intended) at this competition.

8:36: Alright, I think all the gladiators are gay. Wouldn't you expect someone like Maximus?

8:39: In what could only be described as the worst gladiator event ever: Venus gets her ass handed to her in Pyramid by Crush as Kobe gets owned by Venus. Seriously, this event sucks, it's basically King of the Hill, couldn't we trade this with extreme paintball, or something? We should strike this event from the competition.

8:40: Now it's time for the men's competition on the shittiest event on American Gladiators. Interestingly enough, Toa starts yelling jibberish, uhm, stewardess, I speak Jive. Toa is taking on Anthony while Mayhem is taking on Chad; they all suck, probably do to lack of Wolf. Commercial break…

8:41: "This is our cooooouuunntry!!!"

8:44: Like a 7^th grade dance party; no one is scoring in the men's Pyramid. Seriously, this sucks, get rid of this event. The score is 37-4 for the firefighter.

8:47: The greatest event yet: The Eliminator. Now this is an event; there's balls, sans Militia, conveyor belts, fire, cargo nets, midgets, and gay porn just everything you need for a classic duel.

8:50: First off the girls start things off, and by the time they have made it through the water and the cargo net and avoided the midgets, they are gassed, it looks like they have just competed in The Boston Marathon. After Kobe heads out to a sizeable lead, she starts to flutter on the conveyor belt and, amazingly, Venus catches up to her and passes her.

8:51: God, this shit is sooo fake, seriously, there is no way, Venus catches up to, and passes, Kobe; only in America. Look, I know Hulk Hogan is the host and WWF is rigged, but there is no reason they should rig American Gladiators.

8:53: The first, and only, Cloverfield trailer. Seriously, how tits does this movie look? I know I won't be the only one to watch this fucker. I just hope its not Voltron, or something gay.

8:57: Now, it's the guys turn for the Eliminator; seriously, Anthony has such a huge lead that he shouldn't even have to play. If there ever was a chance for a bye; this would be the perfect time. Maybe this will be closer than it should be…

8:58: Nope, the firefighter pwns the skateboarder thus ensuring 2 things: Anthony, along with Venus, are headed to the second round. And more importantly, the east coast wins another battle. Wu-Tang!

9:00 It's time for the second hour….

9:01: Oh shit, you've gotta be kidding me, seriously? We are being introduced to the first male (I think) contestant and he's some Asian who just kicks ass. His name is Moli and he's about 5 foot-nothing and 110 pounds soaking wet. Seriously, like an Asian version of Mini-me. This should be good, he's already my favorite contestant ever.

9:02: Moli is up in the Gauntlet first, basically he has to break through 5 gladiators and score points….and, immediately Justice FACES Moli, he had no fucking chance in this. I'm just glad they didn't kill my 14^th favorite Asian of all-time.

9:04: Jeff is our next contestant. Jeff is an interesting cat; we learn he was supposed to be on the original American Gladiators but due to traffic he wasn't able to make it to the show on time. What's worse: showing up late for your television debut on American Gladiators or waiting 14 years to come back on a show and relive your glory days?

9:07: Jeff makes it through the other side, although there was some confusion and shit talking between he and the gladiators. Yeah, that's pretty funny, Jeff is shit talking the gladiators; no one fucks with Wolf. No one. He's born to roam; wild and free. 10-5 Jeff.

9:09: So if you don't know, I am running the Houston Marathon this coming Sunday and I ran 20 miles to get me ready for it; and lets just say my legs feel like what Chad Kroeger's face looks like.

9:10: We're back from commercial break with the females. We are introduced to Shanay (insert funny joke here) and she's subject to the gauntlet.

9:10: In the other room at our house, I hear my roommate shout out "They should les out!" Couldn't agree more. Shanay scores, outside of American Gladiators remains to be unseen.

9:13: Bonnie is our other female contestant. She's also an ex-Marine, so she is making them proud by her being on here. She's put through the gauntlet as well

9:15: Ok, you know the female (I think) gladiator named "Helga"? Well, they just showed a ground level shot of her and well, they should change her name from Helga to "Cottage Cheese" or "Thunder Thighs". Score is tied 10-10

9:16: Mayhem takes on Moli in joust it's like David versus Goliath, or maybe David vs. Asianini-Me. Off to commercial…

9:17: Off topic: I watched the 60 Minutes interview with Roger Clemens and that bastard is guilty as sin. I will write on this sooner rather than later; stay tuned.

9:18: My newest pet peeve: I don't know if its just me, but I have been getting countless friend request on MySpace but when I go to click on the profile it's some random girl spamming a porn site. This needs to stop, I mean, hey I don't have any qualms with porn, but still.

9:20: Miraculously, Moli gets Mayhem to disqualify, somehow he got him to step over a line and then Moli proceeds to "ride the donkey" in celebratory fashion. Chad Johnson needs to do this next season.

9:21: Jeff pulls a rope-a-dope on Mayhem and gets him to DQ; and then proceeds to talk more shit. I suddenly wish a horrible STD on Jeff.

9:22: The females are next on The Wall; this is probably the hardest contest on American Gladiators, next to midget tossing. When I was at KU we had rock wall climbing in the rec center and it was hard as shit; I wanna do this. Amazingly, these girls fly up the wall like your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

9:24: The Assault is next; this event is why I wanted to be on American Gladiators. I wanted to be the guy dodging 100 mile per hour tennis balls.

9:29: Back from commercial break: I have a funny joke to say right here but it might be inappropriate, so let's just say: guns are being flashed. Justice is manning the gun and assaults Jeff. No soup for Jeff.

9:31: Moli is a 'tard; he can't even figure out to use the fucking industrial sized Nerf Gun. He gets shot in the taint, I'm guessing. Score is 20-18, Jeff.

9:32: Bonnie is up in the next competition against Fergie in Hang Tough. And after what started innocent has turned allsome: the girls are lesing out in mid-air!!! Now, they're scissoring! I've seen it all. This is hard core girl-on-girl action. Ok, none of this really happened, but it kinda did too.

9:34: After watching the soft-core flick, we have Shanay in Hang Tough against Fury, and we have no scoring on both ends: no points and no les action L

9:37: Next is the men's Pyramid. Did you guys hear that? Yup, Wolf just howled again. You think his favorite movie is "Teen Wolf". I want an uncle like Wolf.

9:38: My fascination with Wolf isn't over: I was just thinking to myself: Wolf, easily, has the greatest hair of all-time. He's like a human Chewbaca. Awwwoooooo!!!!!!

9:40: Alright, I'll say it: We need a gay gladiator; how allsome would that be? Oh wait, nevermind.

9:44: If you're wondering why I haven't commented on the show in the past few minutes its because the guys are in Pyramid and no one has scored; except Militia, he gets all the guy-ass backstage.

9:45: Hit and Run is the next competition; the object? The girls have to run across a bridge and avoid balls being hurled at them in a forceful manner, basically its everything that Militia does, except the opposite.

9:50: This sucks, seriously. You know what doesn't suck? Crush, she is my favorite gladiator. After checking my email, I learn that no one won this competition. Good. To the Eliminator!

9:51: Somehow I learned that Toa is cousin with The Rock, do you think Toa refers to himself in the 3^rd person, he should. It should be a family requirement, as a matter of fact, I'm gonna do this for the remainder of the blog.

9:52: Somehow, Moli is winning this competition when he should have been killed in the 1^st event. The Steven says this is rigged, Steven thinks Hulk Hogan has something to do with this.

9:53: Moli wins the Eliminator is a runaway fashion, damn Spider Monkey. He straight pwned Jeff, pwned him so much in fact that he caused Jeff to cry; The Steven thinks that's embarrassing on so many levels; losing to Moli and then crying after talking all sorts of shit to gladiators. He is the worst one out here, well, next to Militia.

9:55: Time for the female Eliminator. A surprisingly good battle between the two girls.

9:56: As soon as The Steven says that, Shanay is out to a ginourmous lead. Probably because Bonnie runs into the glass and busts open her nose; allsome.

9:57: You know how WWF wrestlers cut themselves to make it look like they got cut? Well, the same thing just happened to Bonnie. I wanna see a fatality or something, ala Mortal Kombat 3.

9:59: Shanay wins easily because Bonnie looks like Shawn Michaels at the Royal Rumble in 1999 versus the Undertaker. This shit is so rigged its not even funny. The Steven thought wrestling was bad, shit, that aint nothing compared to this stuff.

10:00: End of show. Thank God. I waited 14 years for this return? You know I wanted this to be allsome and you know what? It is. I'm absofuckinlutely gonna keep watching this. Who wants in with me?

p.s. Did I mention Militia was an ex gay porn star? Bwahahahahahahaha!!!

Now that's an American Gladiator.