Vegas

written 8/14/06

So, I know how much all my public enjoys reading my blogs and how I am so lingusitically gifted, I thought I would try, emphasis on the "try" aspect of the word, and keep a running diary of what happened while I was over there. I know, I know, "what happens in vegas stays in vegas", but actually I didnt do anything that would consitute witholding from you...i mean it's not like I went to the Bunny Ranch and had a menage a trois with smoking hot chicks...or did I? After all it is Vegas, so my memory wasnt what it usually is....

Wednesday

8:32pm- get to Intercontenintal Airport, and park at the "Park-n-Ride". Catch a ride from the chick who was in the Wendy's commericals, you know, the "Where's the Beef?!?" commerical, I didnt know they were hiring.

8:51-check in at security gate...what a surprise I am tne only mexican, unless the dudes who polish shoes count

9:32-get "upgraded" to seat in the emergency section...they could probably tell I worked out.

10:06-10:57- chat with stewardess after telling her I can speak jive. I then work my magic to get not, 1, not 2, but 10 bags of pretzels. and 2 sprites. hell yeah, i came out ahead right now, if I only knew that would be the only time, i wouldve gone home right then and there.

11:03-I wonder if there are any snakes on the plane???

11:12-the other stewardess picks up trash and looks at my 10 bags of pretzel wrappers, and is like "what the fuck, fatty?". That bitch.

12:45am- after eating 10 bags, i try to sleep, but the seats are really putting a hurting on my ass...like a prison shower-rape-style hurting...not that I would know or anything

11:05 (Vegas time)-we land. The gate attendants ask me if I am "making a connection". to which I reply, "well, hopefully if things go right, I will be". I get an evil look.

11:32- check in at hotel and learn that we have been giving a handicapped room for the stay. Apparently, Timmy from South Park is in our group.

12:30-leave hotel to go get drunk and loose slots among other things.

12:36- grab tall boys at the conveneicnce store and Keith (Mike's brother) drinks "Sparks", it's the black version of Hi-C with 6.0% alcohol

1:56- go to Treasure Island and get my ass handed to me by Danny, the blackjack dealer. I'll get my revenge

1:57-I killed Danny and break even for the night.

~2:13- Mike loses his hand, his dignity, and eventually his debit card somewhere in Treasure Island....i think

3:41am-Mike and Jason pass out at Treasure Island Bar

4:04-Talk to a black chick named Tatiana, that or Tyrone, at this point I couldnt tell. I get digits, but am more ashamed than proud

4:33am get more beer because that is logical at this point

5:00-still speaking jive

Thursday morning

10:33am-wake up to Bob Barker and the price is right

10:34-relieved to know no dirties are in bed with me

11:00am-already drinking tallboys (I am still drunk)

11:46am-go to Hard Rock Hotel Pool. It is legendary. and expensive.

1:13pm-lose my cell phone somewhere in the pool area...eh

1:17-Cheap Trick is playing at the hotel Sat. night. Keith finds the lead singer and chats him up. fo' real

1:47-eat 6 chili dogs and 4 hot dogs with relish

4:30 i am loaded and pass out in hotel

10:21-wake up and realize my cell phone is stolen..fuck!

12:16am-Jason is now called r. kelly; and not because he can sing...drip drip drip.

12:51am-leave for the night

1:15-go to store and bet more beers. Lots of brotha's drinking Hennessey in Vegas.

2:13-Cue the "Negroes stole our dates" line from Animal House

2:14-scribble some shit i can even read.

3:16-Start singing Rick Astley, you know the 80's singer who sang "Never Gonna Give You Up


4:21am- after a shit load of jager bombs, beers, shots, and losses at the black jack table. we go to Dennys.


4:23am-hit on the waitress who is unsurprisingly hideous.

5:11am- leave the denny's, holy shit the sun is up..pass out at the room.

Friday

editors note: I have clue what happens when on these next days since i am officially hammered 27/4; or something

-Wake up in the morning sometime and decided to go back to the Hard Rock pool; we all like chicks in little clothing...can you blame us?

-one of us is talking to some chick until I run my mouth and scare her off...you dont wanna know what I said, unless you're Power or Riv.

-Apparently on Friday you have to pay to get into the pool if you arent a guest...$25.00. Fuck.

-after playing hold 'em and blackjack, we figure out a way to sneak into the pool w/o paying the money. ha, we really screwed them..now if they gave us our money back, it would be fabulous. they dont

-buy like 12 drinks at the bat, which all cost like $14 a piece!!! Fuck that. still, we proceed to buy about $200 worth of booze. Vegas baby.

-Keith loses his hat at the hard rock

(if you are keeping track, I lost my cell, koma lost his debit card, and now keith has lost his hat. at this rate, we will lose Jason in a hand of Pai Gow Poker)

-I pass out somewhere/sometime......again.

-Wake up to eat more chili dogs and cheap pizza and shitty maragaritas.....the.worst. idea.ever. Serial.

-pass out at the hotel room after eating lunch.

-Wake up...holy shit. I feel like asshole. I feel like shit. I feel like shitty asshole, I swear to God, I have never felt like this after boozing and drinking the sun all day.

- I attempt to go out that night since we have tickets to Light at the Bellagio among other place.

-We get to the Bellagio and my face turns whiter than a KKK dude with one of those blankets on his head.

-Oh fuck, I puke. At the Bellagio. Yeah, fo' real.

-Take a cab back to the hotel. I can make it. That is a feat in itself. For those who really know me, it takes a lot to make me not go out, but I couldnt hack it on this round. No way in hell.

-Rick Astley is playing on the hotel lobby, so all is not lost

-Mike talks shit 'cause I puss out

-Woken up at 4am because Mike comes into the room yelling, and then he goes out to lose money at hold 'em

-The absolute worse feeling in Vegas is being sick, with VIP passes to one of the best clubs in the city, at the nicest place in the Vegas, with some of the hottest chicks in the world. Note for all my readers: AVOID CHILI DOGS, CHEAP MARAGARITAS, CHEAP PIZZA, THE SUN, AND CHICKEN POPPERS AT ALL COSTS. YOU WILL THANK ME LATER.

Saturday

-Wake up At 9am. Still queasy in the stomach...ugh.

-Go to New York New York and play Blackjack and kill some Chinese dude at it. I would've stayed longer but we had to go eat at ESPN zone for breakfast, besides, I was up on the guy, i figured what the hell.

-Lunch at ESPN zone, stomach still shitty, I figure the best thing i can do is get a beer, so I do.

-Bartender is a transplanted Texas; and Longhorn. Give him a "hook 'em" and he gives me a free shot. Love it...so does my stomach.

-Jason felt worse than I did, he drank water at the bar.

-Texan bartender call him a woman and gives him a water, or Micheloeb Ultra, depending on your perspective

-Play all the sweet ass games at the arcade area. I lose at football, air hockey, bowling, and boxing, BUT I own at Golden Tee. Ha, bitches

-stomach still feels like ass

-watch the end of the Little League World Series. Surprisingly, you cant be on them. I would've taken the little asian guys.

-wearing my Texas shirt, I get a lot of hook 'ems in the casinos.

-Head to the Monte Carlo; lose all my money at Blackjack. Was doing great until Keith told me, "man, you're really killing this guy". After that I lose. Thank you Keith.

-Mike is playing hold 'em and is sitting next to the guy who played in the movie "Coach Carter". Antwaan Tanner. I didnt know how this guy was, so I checked out his imdb.com page and here he is Antwon Tanner. Dude, is playing some serious cash down. Unfortunatey didnt score us chicks though.

-Mike is playing solidlyat hold 'em. We all watch and get free drink. and free drinks. and more free drinks. i love it...my stomach didnt.

-decide to eat the Monte Carlo buffet for dinner. Great mashed potatoes and gravy.

-go to room and pass out

-wake up at 10pm, get showered and decided to go out in Vegas. I feel like shit, my stomach is dying, my liver is nonexistent, what a fantastic idea, Steven!

-we paid for like all these VIP passes/package, so we decide to use them. All of them, or damn near.

-Head to the Bellagio (no puking this time) and get into Light. Holy shit, the eye candy is money. The drinks are what must pay for them...$32 for 2 red bull and vodkas...fuck beans!

-dance with this smoking hot, unbelieavbly gorgeous woman. As my luck keeps showing; she is married.

-i walk away dejected. Mike was dejected for me too.

- we decide to leave Light and head to MGM and a place called...I dont know WTF it was called.

-Place is something out of a cinemax late night movie. It was like a strip show, where the girl doesnt get naked and she dance and there is a band playing...honestly, who thinks up this shit? On the bright side, 2 drinks "only" cost us $24. After our drinks. we leave.

-walking out of there, i didnt know whether I was impressed or confused. i felt violated.

-Head to House of Blues. I didnt get the memo, I guess you had to be 37 or older to be there that night..i was way out of my element.

-Head to Tabu and drink more beers and see more girls dance with each other.

-how come when a song comes on the club, all the girls scream together in unison? this is annoying. Stop. The DJ wont skip the song is you dont scream MOGOLOLOMGLOLMOMOFOROLFM!!

-Tabu is crazy. chicks who wear wearing toilet paper as dresses were all over the place. amazingly we leave this place...definitley a good stop though.

-drunk dial flea outside the excalibur...for reasons only 4 of us know!

-Head to Rain at the Palms....crazy ass place. crazy ass drink, and crazy full of chinese people. I felt like I was at a club downtown house again. Seriously. It was so packed we couldnt even leave...but there was a little person there. awesome.

- head to ghostbar next door. head outside deck and get more drinks. Start dancing with girls. Mike tells one girl I was in the movie "Breakin", so I proceed to break dance...or something that resembles it.

-leave ghostbar at 4:30 and contemplate going to afterhours bars...not a good idea, but Denny's is.

-eat denny's, leave at 5:50am, and finally go to sleep, much to the chagrin of my stomach.

Sunday

-wake up,and I fee like shit (again) you would think i learned, but oh well.

-go to MGM to gamble more

-lose at craps and then lose all of it at blackjack. i am officially done gambling, and while I am at it, life too.

-try to find somewhere to eat, so naturally, let's go to Hooters and the Hooters casino

-eat at hooters (of all places in Vegas). for the first time in my life, i didnt drink a beer while there, well, unless root beer counts.

-one of the waitresses is handing out leis, ask why I dont have a lei on and why I havent been leid yet..I reply, "not because lack of effort". she leaves.

-decide to go souvenier shopping with the $4. 28 I have left.

-I get free gifts from the hotels..."ah, that'll work, I think"

-head back to room and wait to leave for airport.

-get to airport and wait 1.5 hours to get to gate.

-just my luck, the plane is sold out, and guess who doesnt have a seat on the plane? This guy (pointing to myself)

-sweet talk to the gate check-in chick....i get the hook up.

-pass out on the plane and wake up at 4am houston time.

- go back to truck and get home

-sleep in my own bed, wake up at 1:30 houston time. and nap all day.


So, in conclusion, I guess you could say I have a great time, which I did, save for getting sick. Vegas is a crazy place, I love visiting there, but no way would I want to live there. My liver either. Been to a lot of places in the country, it's definitely up there as far as having a fun time goes, but I'll take living in Houston any day of the week. Besides, the girls here are just as attractive, and you dont have to buy them $15 drinks....just $7. Peace. I am going to sleep. And not wake up with a hangover.