written 12/14/07
Originally, I had another idea on what I would write about this week, actually AJ and I traded close to 100 emails throughout the week about what I was going to write on, but at the last minute something came up, so I won't be writing on the original topic. Fear not, I will use that one in the upcoming new year.
As we wind down the past year, some of us look back, while others look forward. One of the best things I like about the end of the year is the retrospective look at the past year. Usually, ESPN, MTV, and other channels will feature something along the lines of "A Look Back at 2007". Vh1 is no exception to this, as last night I caught the "Top 40 of 2007", well, wanting to get away from the more social commentary I've been writing about these past few weeks, I thought this would be a fantastic idea for a running diary-countdown of the Top 40 songs of 2007, according to Vh1. So, here is a recap; enjoy, I had to sit through 2 hours of this shit.
Introduction: I really don't mind Vh1, I mean, yeah they play a bunch of Top 40 music videos, ok, that's all they play, but every once in a while, they'll throw out a new artist no one has heard of yet, then when they do get big, they will play them every 18 minutes, I call this the "The Fray Concept". Anyway, here are my favorite artists on Vh1 this past year:
3)
2) Feist
1) Muse
Anyway, now that's been established, let's get on with the countdown; thankfully, I'm not doing an MTV countdown, this would be inundated with pimps, hoes, and mistletoes.
40 Kanye West, "The Good Life"
Seriously, this song came out like three weeks ago, how is this even eligible for the list? Not to be a dick, but I am thinking this song was done before Kanye's mom died on the operating table, because I don't think it would be such a good life then. One on hand, Dave Holmes just called this song "cool". Well, glad we settled that then.
"It feel like
39 The Killers, "Read My Mind"
That's it, this list has already peaked; just about every song after this song will suck compared to this one. The video is classic, but not as classic as the "When You Were Young" video, although I will say this is my 2 favorite Killers song. The "Sam's Town" cd is quality but not nearly as great as "Hot Fuss" and their new one, "Sawdust".
One of the best lyrics: "I don't shine if you don't shine", classic Killers.
38
Seriously, so far all three songs have been solid choices, this isn't the Vh1 that I know. Anyway, from
37 Fall Out Boy, "Thks fr th mmrs"
This is more like the Vh1 I know, hey Fll T By, thanks for not using any vowels when you're spelling out the name of your song; it sound like I'm chatting with an 8 year old on AOL. The best thing about this video is Kim Kardashian appearing in it, and after her sex tape, that's marginal. Heed the advice Fall Out Boy, and just fade out of
36 Mat
It's undeniable how allsome this song is. How allsome is it? Well, it's the current song on my profile, that's tantamount to being Cash Warren right about now. The rap-singing vocals are unique, like if Talib Kweli mixed with Jack Johnson. His entire CD is great, and he's probably the best white rapper since Vanilla Ice. Although, someone just called him a hipster, I don't think so, Ryan Adams is a hipster, not Mat
35 Bruce Springsteen, "Radio Nowhere"
This song reminds me of a Pearl Jam single around '93, and that's a good thing. Seriously though, has Bruce ever not sucked? I don't think so, he could release "The Humpty Dance" and it would go gold, seriously. He's a rock icon. My top 3 Bruce songs:
3) "Merry Christmas, Baby"
2) "Glory Days"
1) "I'm Goin' Down"
I need tickets when he comes to
34 Natasha Bedingfield ft. Sean Kingston, "Love Like This"
I first heard this song at work when someone introduced this to me in a roundabout way, now that's all I think about when I hear it. I wanna hate this song, but I can't, it's so damn catchy and impossible to hate. Even with the chipmunk sounding, Emmanuel Lewis looking-like mothertrucker, Sean Kingston, it's not bad. I guess Natasha gets credit for sounding hot because of her British accent.
33 Avril Lavigne, "When You're Gone"
More like, "when this song is gone" I will be a much happier person. Seriously, Avril sucks, she looks like a gothic Cinderlla in the video. The first thing I think of when I hear this song is Alan Jackson's "Remember When" song, I mean, the meaning of the song is not bad, the theme of the song is not bad, it's just that Avril is bad.
32 Robin Thicke's "Lost Without You"
The first time I heard this, I seriously, thought it was a black guy. Coincidentally, I also thought it sucked the very first time, you know, 37 times later, I still think it sucks. It sounds like nails scratched on the chalkboard. His wife in the video, in real life, is pretty hot, but come on, for this being Alan Thicke's son, you would think it would be way more allsome. Nope, I would rather have Kirk Cameron.
31 Maroon 5, "Wake Up Call"
In a magazine I read earlier this year, the guys from Maroon 5 said this album would sound a lot different, with influences from Stevie Wonder and Prince…what the hell, did they miss the memo? There still is a bunch of Adam Levine's high-pitched samples, plus the video itself looks like something from a bad late night Showtime movie starring Danny Trejo.
30
Yeah, what I've done is make the same type of music over and over, that's what
29 Lifehouse, "First Time"
The opening sounds like an early 60's song; "You and I looking for a new love…". The first time I heard first time, it felt like an audio enema. And now it's in that fuckin Dodge commercial. I guess the guys at Dodge said, "Hey, we have a shitty product, now we need a shitty band". And Johnson, from Marketing, said, "Oh, I know! Lifehouse!". And everyone at the meeting agreed. The rest is history. They were better with the fat Mexican bass player. They should change their name from Lifehouse to Outhouse.
28 Feist, "1,2,3,4"
It's about fucking time, but this is waaay too low for this song. Here's why: Visually, the video is perfect, bright, real, and no use of any visual effects. Musically, the song is what pop music should be. The Canadian hipster hit a homerun with this song. It's about having fun with life, living in the moment, and being happy, and besides its way more appealing than Amy Winehouse.
27 Nickel-fuckin-back-sucks, "Rockstar"
Ah yes, the musical equivalent of 2girls1cup. Just a complete abortion of music, these guys are horrible. What's even worse is the fact there's Gene Simmons, Paul Wall, Kid Rock, and porn stars in the video. Can we just erase this from music history? Can we, no seriously? God, I loathe these guys. Which gives me a fantastic idea for an upcoming blog next year,
26 Fergie, "Clumsy"
Look, it's Prince, oh no, wait, nevermind, it's just Fergie, they had me going there for a moment. She/he samples James Brown, makes a horrible song, and dances with other guys; just a stunning collection of crap. Someone in the countdown calls Fergie, "beautiful", I think they mean, "handsome", guys aren't beautiful, and neither is
25 Timbaland and 1Republic, "Apologize"
Yes, folks, they should apologize for making this horrendous song. Do girls like this shit? Let alone human beings? Wow. This sounds like a horrible remix from one of the Backstreet Boys outtakes. Shoot me.
24 Daughtry, "Home"
By far, he easily has the greatest beard of everyone who appeared on American Idol. Also, the next one to win the coveted "Nickelback Annoyance" award; if he misses home so much, why doesn't he just go home?
23 Finger Eleven "Paralyzer"
This song has paralyzed my ears. Nothing like pop-moshing videos to annoy the world and suburban kids every where. The video is weird, I don't know if they are going for the street-cred route, or the unintentionally hilarious route. One thing is for sure, they got the latter one right.
22 Alicia Keys "No One"
My new female celebrity crush. Lovely piano melody like a sexier version of Norah Jones. Just a fucking awesome song, she writes her own music, performs her own instruments, she can obviously sing, and her music doesn't suck. She's the female Denzel Washington. I mean, does anyone hate Alicia Keys? Nope. I'm calling it right now, she is going to have a huge 2008. Mark my words.
21 Pink, "Who Knew"
Who knew she was white when you first heard her several years ago? I know I didn't. She gets a pass right her because she can probably beat me up and has way too many tattoos for a singer. Let's move on.
20 Foo Fighters "The Pretender"
Another band that gets on my nerves, their only claim to fame is Dave Grohl used to be in Nirvana. As overrated as Red Hot Chili Peppers; pop quiz: Which one of these is not like the others? Nickelback, Killers, Lifehouse, and Foo Fighters? Yup, The Killers, the rest of them suck.
19 Elliot Yamin "Wait For You"
Eh, this guy sucks too, he sounds like his balls were chopped off with a rusty pitchfork. Seriously, how is this better than Muse? Girls like this shit? Who comes up with this? I blame American Idol. I wait for this song to get over every time I hear it.
18 Ludacris feat. Mary J Blige "Runaway Love"
And we have Ludacris with a Tupac-esque version of "Changes", "Dear Mama", and "Hit 'em Up". I wonder if
17 Matchbox 20 "How Far We've Come"
This video reminds me of Billie Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", what the hell happened to these guys? I mean, Yourself or Someone Like You wasn't that bad of a CD, but everything else has sucked since then. The video looks like the world is coming to an end, with music like this, I can agree. Horrible crap.
16 Amy Winehouse, "Rehab"
Oh fuck. I hate her. She's like a gothic, cracked out whore. Oh wait, that's what she's supposed to look like? Well, congratulations are in order. I wish Lily Allen would beat her up. I would punch her in the ovary. She's gotta be a witch, right? I cant stand her.
15 Gwen Stefani and Akon "Sweet Escape"
Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Woo hoo, Woooo hoooo! You cant hate this song if you tried, trust me on that one, I've tried and failed repeatedly. Although in the video Gwen looks like the Hamburglar. Akon is making a killing singing on other people's songs, I need to find a way to do this.
14 Carrie Underwood, "Before He Cheats"
2 words: Unholy. Things. That is about all I can say about Carrie. I just want to give my man Tony Romo a fair warning: Tony, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, cheat on Carrie Underwood, next thing you know, she'll be dating Jason Campbell from the Redskins if you do. Seriously, Tony, trust me on this one.
13 All-American Rejects, "It Ends Tonight"
If Fight Club was a music video, I have no doubt this would be what the video is about: hell, I don't even know what it is about and I am still wondering that. It feels like I saw Fight Club for the 26th time. You know how in A Clockwork Orange Alex is being brainwashed? Well, I feel like that right now.
12 Jon Bon Jovi, "You Want to Walk Away"
Holy shit, what happened to these guys? (a reoccurring theme) What happen to the days of Slippery When Wet? Between this song and "Who Says You Can't Go Home" we need to see if JBJ's balls have been chopped off. No, seriously. The only bright side, Brooke Langton is in the video, she's a new member of the Diane Lane All-Stars.
11 Colbie Calliat, "Bubbly"
She looks an awful lot like a folksy-Jessica
Side note: check out the new Jack Johnson single, "If I Had Eyes". You wont be disappointed, trust me.
10 Justin Timberlake "What Goes Around Comes Around"
Now he was the star of 2007. He tagged Scarlett Johansen, dumped Cameron Diaz, and managed to watch the demise of Britney Spears, plus he was in Alpha Dog. He's gonna kill pop music when it's all said and done. Remember back in the 80's when Michael Jackson and Prince fans argued who was better? Well, JT and Usher are gonna be like that, and JT will win the battle when it's all said and done. He, A-Rod, and Derek Jeter need to form a fraternity or something…
9 Nickelshit "If Everyone Cared"
If everyone cared, they wouldn't be in existence. Unfortunately, people don't care and that's why they are around.
8 Plain White T's, "Hey There, Delilah"
Not enough can be said about this guy: this dude is my hero. He pretty much encompasses everything about this song. 'Nuff said here. The Hero.
7 Nelly Furtado, "Say It Right"
I love the transformation from her first CD to this CD, folk singing popstress to booty grinding, hot as hell vixen. I love her. And the bad this is this song isn't her best song, Promiscuous isn't her best, Do It isn't either. The best song on her "Loose" cd is " All Good Things come to an End. One of the best CDs to be released in 2007; it still gets a lot of airplay.
6 Kanye West, "Stronger"
I don't get the fascination with this song. Seriously, I give credit where credit is due, but this song just isn't that great. Of his new CD, this is probably the worst single he has, although I will say, "I'll do anything for a blonde dyke" is up with there with "G'z up, hoes down while you motherfuckers bounce to this" in the pantheon of greatest lyrics.
5 Maroon 5, "Makes Me Wonder"
Now this is a good song. It's kinda' funky, with a real Prince-influenced vibe. You hear this song and just wanna dance. Seriously, as I type this, I am dancing, if you cant tell, this is my dancing handwriting: IYA@B@I~!(**__~!A!!!!!! Now, that is a great tune. And "It really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you" is another standout lyric from 2007. Good call, Vh1.
4 Rhianna feat. Jay-Z, "Umbrella"
Ela, ela, ela, ela, ela, ela, eh, eh, eh eh, EH, EH,EH. I don't know why this song is awesome, maybe it's Rhianna pole dancing with an umbrella, or maybe it's Jay-Z rocking the opening verse, or maybe its because you hate the song so much, it wears on you like an old sweater. I am thinking, for me, it was because Rhianna was pole dancing with the umbrella, ela, ela, ela, eh eh eh.
3 Pink, "U +
Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously. How is this one of the top three songs of Vh1, and no mention of Muse yet? This sucks. I mean, seriously, Pink we get it, if we piss you off, we are going home by ourselves to rub one out. That much is clear, what isn't clear is how this song warrants a 3 spot. At least it wasn't Nickelback.
2 Daughtry, "It's Not Over"
Jesus H. Christ, the countdown isn't over yet either, apparently. Honestly, how does this song merit a 2 spot, I mean, these past 18 songs or so is exactly why Top 40 radio is the suck. Seriously, I only semi-enjoyed 2 of the last 18 and like 4 of the past 40 so far, which means, I am calling it right now, I have a pretty good idea what I think is the 1 song and I am scared because I lost my man card over it. Would anyone get offended if bands like Nickelback, Hinder, Creed, Daughtry, or any of these other "rock bands" were stricken from the record of musical history? I know I wouldn't, 2 is my favorite number, but this song, is definitely not my favorite song…
Which brings us to 1
1
Fuck me. I was right. I knew it, damn, I hate being right most of the time.
Fuck it, I drank the kool-aid, obviously I hate this song because well, it sucks, but dammit, once I caught myself singing it at work, I knew right then and there, either I was turning gay, or this song just completely sucks that it's impossible to hate it. Just a classic example of hating something so much that you end up loving it and singing the shit out of it out at karaoke one night. Now, every time I hear I hear this song, I dance, I shimmy, I sing it, and I proceed to turn in my man-card.
Jeez, 2007 was a bad year, having this song as 1 for the 2007 just seals the deal. Now if you excuse me, I have to go and try to wash this song from my head, good thing I'm going to the Eli Young concert tonight. Next week....
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