I am coming to you today with a very special edition of my blog. I don't know how many of you knew this, but I was chosen by Spin Magazine to do a special fan-interview where editors choose a lucky member from the general public and give them a platform to ask any member of the music industry various, in-depth questions they may have for a specific person. When I was first notified of this winning, I immediately thought who should I chose to interview. I thought about Bono, but figured people have heard enough of his messianic complex. Then, I thought about Corey Taylor from Slipknot/Stone Sour, but I went against that idea. "What about Willie Braun from Reckless Kelly?" Nah, not enough people know about them to really read the entire interview. So, I was in a bit of a dilemma, as you can see. So, who did I end up finally interviewing; none of than Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, who somehow caught wind of all my backhanded compliments and verbal jabs at him as his band. Below you will find a transcript of the entire conversation between him and I. This interview was done to help clear up some of the misunderstandings we have between us. Hopefully it gives you a better, thorough understanding of the man who leads the shittiest band in the world: Nickelback. Enjoy.
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Steven Ramirez: ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />
SR: No. It would be better if you didn't.
CK: Ok, fair enough, like Pee-Wee Herman, that's your name, you don't want people to wear it out, right? (chuckles)
SR: Something like that.
CK: Anyway, no problem being here with you. It's always great when one of our greatest fans makes time to hang with us. Not many people like to do that, I guess they are intimidated by the presence of me. I was the same way when I met both Milli and Vanilli, Scott Stapp, and David Coverdale.
SR: Yeah, I would've been shitting myself with them around too. Anyway, so I presume you are from
CK: Why do you say that?
SR: Because you and your band suck.
CK: Bwahahahah!!! Nah man, we're from
SR: (mumbling to myself): Probably 'cause you were too shitty for them.
CK: What's that?
SR: I said, probably because you like the big city.
CK: Right on, man!
SR: You're an ass-tard.
SR: So how did you come to the name 'Nickelback' for your band?
CK: Well, the name "No-Talent Ass-Hacks" was too long. So, I thought about when I used to work at the .95 cent store and when people would give me a $1 to pay for things, and all I kept saying was, like, "Here's your Nickelback, and stuff". I got so good at saying that, it kinda became second nature and was pretty annoying, so it's like, an inside joke and stuff.
SR: So, you're saying Nickelback stuck because it was annoying?
CK: Right on Steven!
SR: How ironic. Yeah, I would agree too, Nickelback is pretty annoying.
CK: Silky…
SR: (furiously) What did I say about calling me 'Silky'?!?!?
CK: Sorry man, but you are the coolest.
SR: I know.
CK: Are you on MySpace?
SR: Yeah, why?
CK: Will you be on my "Friends List"
SR: No.
CK: Why, is it because I'm famous? People know me, you know? Can't handle being my friend, huh?
SR: No, it's because you suck.
CK: (silence…)
SR: How did the band first get its start?
CK: Actually, we don't know how we did. We made a few songs and sent out a demo and got picked up by a record label. It was really just dumb luck. We played bars, small garages, proms, quinceneras, bar mitzvahs, and shit, somehow we got a manager, he goes by Stan Statan. We owe it all to him, when we signed our contract it was done in blood because that's how deep we are in this thing. We signed for $666,666, anything else went directly to Statan, and there were also certain stipulations too.
SR: So, sounds like the existence of Nickelback is basically because of dumb luck? Right?
CK: Right on man!
SR: Yeah, I would have said 'shitty' luck, not so much 'dumb' luck but oh well…
SR: Define your music style?
CK: Total rock, all the way. No doubt about it. We'll be bigger than Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and Wang Chung combined.
SR: (dead-faced) Are you drunk?
CK: Right on man! I like to stay with basic chords, simple bass lines, and pop lyrics. It's easy to write the songs we sing. Like that song, Photograph, I mean all I did was talk into a microphone. It's so easy to do it, you just talk and, like, record it man.
SR: That song sucked. It's horrible, as all your music is.
CK: Ah, man, you're just joshing me! People care about who was the first girl I first kissed. Man, I really miss Kim. (Kim's the first girl I kissed) I think she had a kid that that Eminem guy, I'm not sure. We like to keep our music on the same IQ level as a raccoon, because raccoons are pretty smart. If the raccoons "feel" us musically, we know we have a hit on our hands. Look at our songs, Photograph, Hero, How you Remind Me, Someday we just make the same thing over and over and get paid for it. But really, I love raccoons though, they are special to me, you know what I mean?
SR: No. You probably hump them.
SR: Let's stay on this topic of shitty music you write. What does it mean to you when you see bands like The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, The Shins, Thievery Corporation, and whatnot, not have as much commercial success as you and Nickelback, but more critical success? Does it mean anything to you that people hate your music because you suck and your music sucks?
CK: What? Well….uh, um. Well, obviously it means we write and make better music for the people because our music is always on the radio. I don't care about writing complex songs, intermixing different genres, using synthesizers, word-play with lyrics, you know all that stuff 'musicians' use to create records. Have you heard the debut album from the Killers, Hot Stuff? I couldn't believe people actually bought that album, and not something like Ryan Cabrerra's debut album.
SR: Yeah, I have that album
CK: You like Ryan too?
SR: No you moron, The Killers' debut album
CK: Well, it sucks because they like sound like a real band, they aren't in it for the money and just worry about making new, fresh music and sounds. That's why we'll always be a better band than the Killers, or Modest Mouse, or even Spoon, that music is for gays.
SR: (confused) Are you sure you're not drunk?
CK: Right on man!
SR: So what other bands don't you like because they make good music?
CK: Off the top of my head, State Radio, the Decemberist, Yo La Tengo, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bloc Party, you know, bands whose music is actually decent. I despise them.
SR: So, because you are in it for the money, does that explain why all your songs sound the same?
CK: Good question, man. Absolutely, I heard of this thing called a 'pronoun'…
SR: (interrupting) 'Proverb'. Dick…
CK: …Yeah, and it said, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Well, when we first released our first couple songs, they kept getting played and played and we just kept getting paid and stuff, and Statan was really digging it. See, I, as a musician, don't want to get creative and try something that might cause me to look bad. See, bands like Pearl Jam, the Killers, Bruce Springsteen, even U2, all tried to change their sound a bit and you see how many fans they have left. It's not worth changing, I like to be the same and keep creating the same music.
SR: (correcting him) You forgot to say, "shitty" music.
CK: Hey man, are you a fan or what?
SR: No, I would rather root for the Houston Texans than attend your show.
CK: What a comedian!!
SR: Speaking of football, I bet you like Reggie Bush too huh?
CK: Yeah, he's, like, totally awesome and stuff. I can't believe he isn't in the Hall of Fame yet, can you? I'm a huge Mario Williams fan too.
SR: They suck.
CK: What?
SR: Yeah, overrated, like you and your band.
CK: You just compared them to our band. Thank you for the kind words.
SR: You all suck. If Nickelback is Reggie Bush/Mario Williams, U2 is Vince Young.
CK: Vince is okay, I guess.
SR: He's basically Jesus in football cleats.
SR: It seems to me that you don't like bands that aren't afraid to diversify themselves and make change, right?
CK: What's "diversify" mean?
SR: It's a roundabout way of saying "mixing it up".
CK: So, why didn't you just say "mix it up"
SR: Because I don't suck.
CK: Well, that's like your opinion man. Anyway, heck naw, man, I don't like those bands, I want to keep it real, like 2Pac. I like making the same sounds over and over. It keeps me safe at night. I don't think our fans would appreciate it if we made music that didn't suck, I guess.
SR: Speaking of that, how did it feel to get booed off stage in
CK: Now, why did you go there? That was a rough part of the tour. Basically, what happened was the crowd was expecting a "huge rock band" and when they announced us as performing; they went ape-shit and starting spraying water on us. It was humiliating.
SR: (excitedly) It sounds awesome, I would go to that concert!!!
CK: Yeah, well, when they started treating us like shit, we left the stage early. We really showed them; they came expecting to hear kick-ass songs like Hero, Leader of Men, and Rock Star, but they went away empty-handed. And, check this out, when we were walking off the stage, I, like, flicked them the bird, and stuff. I swear to God.
SR: (unimpressed) You're cool.
CK: It was awesome man. We really showed them in
SR: Let's talk about your manager real quick, Statan, who made you sign your contract in blood, has a horse tail, a fiery trident as a cane, and his favorite number is 666?
CK: Yeah, man you heard of him?
SR: (with a raised eye-brow, like The Rock) Um, yeah. So,
CK: Aw, man that's just pure coincidence. I mean, if we would sell our soul to the devil, we would want to not suck.
SR: Looks like that was overlooked, because you do.
CK: Well, like I was saying, Statan is a good guy, I made a special agreement with him to get all these people to buy our music, all I had to do was trade in my after-life. I was like "Right on man". What good is an after-life? I'm already dead. Looks like I outsmarted him huh?
SR: Wow, that day cant get here fast enough.
CK: Yeah, totally
SR: Well, looks like you really thought this one out. Speaking of thinking, do you do your own?
CK: Huh?
SR: Nevermind, so are there any other artists you would work with? Maybe a collaboration of sorts?
CK: A what?
SR: (irritated) Would you like to work with other artists, and if so, who?
CK: Oh yeah, man totally. I really wanna work with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. You heard that song, Fergalicious? That might be the best song I've ever heard; it's really deep.
SR: You know she's a man right?
CK: (stand-offish) Just because she has a face like a man, an Adam's apple, and a dick, doesn't make her a man, she's just not 'evolved', yet.
SR: If you say so.
CK: Yeah, well I wanna work with her, maybe Akon too because he's pretty much on every song out there right now. You can't never have too much exposure you know? You know that song by John Cougar, "Our Country"? I'm thinking of doing a cover to it.
SR: Please. Don't.
CK: Yeah, well I'm not sure yet. But yeah, I would love to work with Akon, he's a special, special talent. He can sing hooks like no one I've meet. He is the king of "songs featuring Akon" out on the radio right now. I don't know maybe other bands I really dig when I'm not listening to our CD in our tour bus and in my car.
SR: So, who do you like?
CK: You know, the popular stuff, Creed, Bo Bice, Hinder, and I am a huge fan Saliva. I mean, they are great bands with some really innovative, creative music.
SR: Speaking of Spit, I mean Saliva, let's talk about the song Hero for a moment.
CK: Totally.
SR: How did it feel to ruin a pretty decent movie (Spiderman) with a shitty song? Do you feel bad about that?
CK: Well, we went over this earlier, but you know me, it's all about the money. As long as I am getting paid we are cool. I don't care if I scarred the movie with that song. They should have been lucky two suave, good-looking guys like Josey (frontman for Saliva) and myself would have been in the same song together. I like to compare putting us in the same song and video in the same category as Run-DMC and Aerosmith, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, or even Public Enemy and Anthrax. We are that good, as a matter of fact, I am surprised the world could handle the togetherness of us. We should form a super-band and just tour, the two of us…you want in?
SR: Absolutely not.
CK: Well, more for us man!
SR: If you could be one person for one day who would it be?
CK: Count Chocula, er I mean, Count Dracula
SR: A vampire?
CK: Yeah.
SR: Why because he sucks blood and you suck ass?
CK: HaHa! Naw, man because he has been around forever. You cant get rid of him. Like cockroaches.
SR: Yeah, that makes sense, cockroaches, vampires and you: you all suck. I get it now.
CK: Right on man!
SR: It makes sense now.
SR: So who did you blow to get your videos on MTV and Vh1 all the time?
CK: Aw, you see that, right there, that's like, a stereotype. I didn't blow anyone, at least no one with video evidence.
SR: Then how do you explain your constant showings on both those channels? You guys don't vote for your own videos on TRL, or, Vh1 Top 20 Countdown, do you?
CK: Is this "off-the-record?"
SR: No
CK: Alright, screw it, just don't let anyone else know, but yeah, we as a band vote on our own videos and stuff. We, like, wanna see them do well because we, like, like ourselves, and stuff. You know?
SR: Not really.
CK: See, here's the thing, I don't think people would want to see us, like, on the shows everyday. No one who is smart would vote for our music and videos, so if we don't vote for our videos, we wont ever be on TV. We tried voting for our videos on BET, but, I cant, like, believe it, they don't have Nickelback videos, but I guess they have that new Timbalake, Nelly Furtado, and Justin Timberlake song, "Give it to Me". I would give it to them…a big knuckle-sandwich, I tell ya'. A world of pain.
SR: Are you tough-talking Timberlake and Nelly Furtado?
CK: Yeah
SR: I'm speechless.
SR: Let's move on: talk a little bit about your tours. Any wild parties with orgies or anything?
CK: Nah, at least not for me and our band. Our road crew gets a lot of 'tang, but that's about it.
SR: Why is that?
CK: I'm not sure, but sometimes I hear the crew talking bad about us as a group. I think they said we were "no talent douchebags", but that may have been taken out of context.
SR: It probably wasn't, I'm sure they meant that. So, your crew gets a lot of ass and has orgies with groupies and stuff, but you guys, and correct me if I'm wrong here, like to watch beastiality movies?
CK: (ashamedly) Yep…guilty.
SR:
CK: You know, no one has ever said it that way. Thanks for the compliment.
SR: Yeah, you look like a blonde lion, which just happens to be a huge prick.
CK: Right on man, I'm a blonde lion with a huge prick!
SR: (irritated) No, you ass!! You ARE a prick.
CK: (confused) Oh…
SR: So, does your Lion-King-ass wannabe hang out with any famous celebrities or anything?
CK: Ah, shit yeah man! Last week, I was snorting lines with Emmanuel Lewis…
SR: (interrupting)You mean Webster??!!
CK: Yeah man, that little fucker can snort some shit, I'm telling ya. It was me, Webster, Scott Baio, and Larry B. Scott. Had a grand time doing blow and acting a fool and whatnot. They were the craziest guys I've ever hung out with, they are really cool guys. We should party with them sometime.
SR: (laughing out loud) So, you're saying Lamar Latrell, from Revenge of the Nerds, Charles from Charles in Charge and Webster all do blow and hang out with you?
CK: Yeah, I cant live without those guys.
SR: (I cant even speak)…
SR: Let's get back on the topic of music. What goes through your head when you are making a shitty song?
CK: Simple is best. The easiest I write a song, the more betterer it has a chance of being number one. Our audience is pretty dumb, I think, they should know the songs we write are all the same thing, but they keep buying them. I don't like using big words because they scare me. You wont ever hear me use a more than 3 syllable word because I don't know very many. Also, keep the same guitar riff and pretty same bass lines, that always helps. Most times I try to make sure the words don't rhyme, but sounds almost the same. Also, it helps if you just talk about being without your girlfriend.
SR: Why?
CK: Because I've never had a girlfriend. I used to pretend I dated Cinderella, but she dumped me a long time ago for that Humpty Egg-Motherfucker. Most of the songs I write about women are about Cinderella. She's my inspiration.
SR: A fairy tale is your inspiration
CK: Totally. It helps me make songs…
SR: Shitty songs…sorry for interrupting…
CK: Yeah, it helps me make songs that all sound the same. I'm telling you, whenever you print this; ask your audience to listen to our songs, they all sound the same. I'm a musical genius, right up there with Menudo.
SR: Except those guys had more talent than you…and they were gay.
SR: Are you concerned about the future of music?
CK: Nah, as long as there are bands like Hinder, Creed, The Black Eyed Peas, you know, Nickelback. The music industry should be in pretty good hands. I think as long as we're around you'll get to hear a bunch of new, fresh music that all sounds the same. Except the Black Eyed Peas, those guys, musically, are on another level. I cant describe it.
SR: Where do you see Nickelback in 20 years, dead, extinct, irrelevant?
CK: Nah man, I want to continue to keep writing the same songs over and over and over. Hopefully, the public doesn't figure us out and stop listening to our music. I don't know what I would do.
SR: I would die if I were you
CK: You know, I thought about what would we do and I cant imagine a world where there is no Nickelback.
SR: I can, it's called Heaven
CK: Right on, I need to make a song called Heaven
SR: Los Lonely Boys already did.
CK: Dammit, those Mexicans are one step ahead of me.
SR: That's because you're a douche. And yeah, we are always one step ahead of you.
CK: I guess so, huh? But seriously, I would want to see us still on MTV and Vh1, hopefully on BET too. We could do a cross-over album with the
SR: For the love of God, please don't!
CK: I'm just throwing ideas out there man, you never know what we're gonna do next..
SR: (mumbling) I bet it involves shitty music…
CK: What's that, bro?
SR: I said, I bet it involves witty music.
CK: Right on man! I just wanted to say, you have asked some of the best questions I have ever been asked. You really are a fan of Nickelback.
SR: No, I'm not
CK: You're too modest
SR: No I'm not.
CK: Are too.
SR: Am not
CK: Are too
SR: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!. I don't like your music. You're ugly, and you and your band suck, they have the same amount of talent as a wet fart. Now once you get that through your blonde-maned, ugly-ass, same song-singing, generic music, juvenile lyric-singing-bitch ass, you will understand the world would be better off without you and your damn music.
CK: (sobbing as he walks away) Why don't you like me?
SR: BECAUSE I DON'T SUCK!!!!!
And there you have it, the complete interview I did with Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. I went into this interview with an open mind, but there are just some things you can never escape: the ghetto, the smell of a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and sucking. Fortunately for us, we don't have to go through those horrors, but hopefully I brought you some in-depth perspective from the lead singer of Nickelback. Just remember folks, you have the power to stop Nickelback from spreading even more throughout the world. Fate rests in your hands…so, if you excuse me, I have to go rinse my ears out with holy water to get rid of the remnants I have that come from none other than Mr. Suck, himself, Chad Kroger. Until next week, stay low.
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