George Clooney All-Stars

(originally written 10/20/07)

The George Clooney All-Stars

I'm pretty comfortable with myself, specifically with my sexuality. (This probably is the worst introduction sentence to date). But seriously, I am. How serious am I? Well think about this: a few weeks ago I downloaded (on my own cognizance) Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on to my own computer, I own 3 different pink shirts, and if that's not enough, just this past Monday night, I was listening to, and enjoying, a Bette Midler song (The Rose)…sadly, I am not lying about any of these aspects. If you didn't know me, hell, even if you know me, you would think I am flaming like a $2 steak, but alas, I am not, I am straight as an arrow.

One of the more uncomfortable feelings a straight guy can have is admiring someone of the same sex. For instance when me and my friends see someone out and about and there is something that we notice about them, we'll point it out to each other, and "Hey, check out that guy; he's gay". Of course, we don't really know if they are gay or not, it's just an inherent action guys make towards each other and joke around with each other; usually because they are either a) insecure b) jealous c) a complete idiot. This is not the point of my blog.

Like I said, I am secure with myself, I like strip clubs, hot wings, beer, and wearing flip-flops…basically all the things that make a guy straight. No, I can appreciate other guys, not in a Brokeback-way, but guys who I would want to be, or if I was a female, male celebrities I would totally dig, and, in some cases, bone. In the past I've given you the "Diane Lane All-Stars", the "Prince All-Stars", and the "Rachael Ray All-Stars" today, I proudly present to you the "George Clooney All-Stars".

Why George Clooney? More like why not George Clooney? I wrote it back in my Things I Think I Think blog, "if I was a chick, I would totally sleep with George Clooney". I don't think I've ever met a guy who said, "you know what, I don't like George Clooney", he's just the total Hollywood bad-ass. The ultimate bachelor, he has won bets from Nicole Kidman and Michelle Pfeiffer because they both said he would be a father by the age of 40. He has stated multiple times he will not get married, he has been in countless blockbuster movies, he was in ER, Roseanne, and The Facts of Life: the Holy Trinity of sitcoms. And, throw in the face he has single-handedly brought back the "salt and pepper" look for males over 50, I mean the dude is a complete renaissance man. We all know about his humanitarian efforts, his political views, and his body of work as an actor and celebrity, but this encapsulates Clooney best, when asked if he would ever run in politics, here's his response: "No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties".

But see, even with those admissions, how many people, if any, do you know who have something against him, who wouldn't want to trade places with him (if a guy), doesn't admire him, and just doesn't think they are a kick-ass male celebrity? None. And that's the beauty of being a George Clooney All-Star. So, what are the requirements to be a George Clooney All-Star? Glad you asked, here they are:

A) Obviously, a male celebrity with career success, professional or personal

B) For all intents and purposes, said celebrity has to be decent to good-looking

C) Has to have the "Man, I would love to change places with that guy" factor

C.1) Bonus points for the "I'm not gay, but I would probably sleep with him if I was a chick" factor

D) Has to have a sense of class and dignity, in other words cant be a jackass

…and most importantly…

E) Has to have a sense of mystery surrounding him, in other words, he seems okay on the outside, but in the back of your mind, you're thinking, "Hey, you know he seems like an alright guy, but it wouldn't surprise me if he's boinked everything in Hollywood"…and if said statement was true, you wouldn't be surprised.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you the first ever line-up of the George Clooney All-Stars, but first let's look at those who just missed cut:

George Strait

One of music, let alone country music's, most outstanding artists of all-time. A legendary Texan who represents everything great about him; he seems almost too good to be true. For him to be still relevant after 20-plus years is a testament to him, as well as his music. Besides, how many people have you ever heard say, "You know what, George Strait sucks"? Answer? None, because he doesn't.

Why he missed the cut: He is too good to be true, no scandals, no affairs, no lip-synching controversies; he just is a class act. Not too many like him left these days. He's missing that certain panache because he doesn't walk the line, which isn't bad.

"Dalton" from Roadhouse

Next to Chuck Norris, this guy is probably the most kick-ass guy to ever appear on the silver screen. He is so awesome, I devoted an entire blog about him, Roadhouse Blues, what's not to love about this guy? He has a PhD, rips guys' throats out, carries his own medical records, sleeps with the town Doctor, and has very disturbing sex moves, really just a fine work of male machismo if there was one to ever walk God's green earth.

Why he missed the cut: 2 words: Patrick Swayze. You can't go from warning others about putting Baby in the corner to partying with an over-the-hill Sam Elliot and be taken serious.

Pete "Maverick" Mitchell from Top Gun

The lead character from perhaps the most quoted movie of all-time, well next to Anchorman. The lone renegade of the bunch, does things against normal protocol because, well, shit does apply to you when you're codename is "Maverick". He engages with MIGs, sleeps with his instructor, and rides motorbikes

Why Not: Leaves his wingman, is horrible at karaoke, he's dangerous, and of course, his homo-erotic volleyball scene with the rest of the cast is the most disturbing scene since Apollo and Rocky's hug in Rocky 3.

Sure, there were other nominees, such as Charlie Sheen, Vincent Chase from Entourage, and of course Daniel LaRusso. But, they, along with the others, were fictional, or just didn't cut the mustard as the fellows below do. Enjoy:

George Clooney:

Why: For obvious reasons, as stated above. If I could change places with any other male celebrity, no doubt would it be this guy. The epitome of being a bachelor and just a general kick-ass celebrity. See above for further explanation.

Bonus points: Starred on ER, Ocean's series, Batman, From Dust til Dawn, and O Brother, Where Art Thou? You KNOW he has slept with over half of Hollywood and yet, no one has anything bad to say about him. There are metro-sexuals, urban-sexuals, this guy is the uber-sexual.

Matthew McConaughey:

Why: The perfect Texas gentlemen, it's not the fact he is a Longhorn, the fact he doesn't wear deodorant, cologne, or underwear, or the fact he was voted Sexiest Man Alive in 2005, it's because he acts and seems to act like an adult-child, and he doesn't care. How many times do you see him not smiling, or laughing? You can just imagine him thinking to himself, "Alright, alright, alright, I've got the coolest gig in the 'welrd". Wouldn't you want to party with him for a night? I know I would.

Bonus points: Starred in Dazed and Confused; the reason it was perfect for him is because his character, Wooderson, is exactly who you think Matt is off-screen. I mean he got busted for smoking weed and playing the bongos naked and, well, I guess some assumptions are true.

Denzel Washington:

Why: If George Clooney is the namesake of this all-star team, then Denzel is the Godfather of the all-star team. Seriously, girls, moms, females, males, kids, dogs, women, everyone love him. And you know what? I do too; this guy is probably the only one who can give Clooney a run for his money. Just like fine wine, as he ages, he gets better and better as an actor and a person. If people could make a living off of loving Denzel Washington, there would be no poverty in the United States. Again, does anyone you know say, "God, Denzel is overrated, I would prefer more D.L. Hughley." No, that's asinine, as is not loving Denzel.

Bonus points: Starred in some of the greatest movies ever: Glory, Man on Fire, Training Day, literally everything the guy has been in has been gold, he's got the magic touch, like a black Midas. He has been in the industry since 1981. 1981! It's safe to say he hasn't messed around since his marriage, but that's what makes him intriguing. And probably the coolest thing about him: he got a front row, live, in person, sitting next to, a fully naked Eva Mendes in Training Day. I love Eva…I bet she loves Denzel.

Brad Pitt:

Why: Easy, probably the only guy in the free world who can upgrade from Jennifer Aniston to Angelina Jolie. I don't know of any guy who wouldn't want his body circa Fight Club, he just kicks complete ass. I am not as hung-up on him as others on this list, but like Chamillionaire says, "real recognize real"…what does that mean? I don't know, but girls love Brad Pitt, and well, by transitive relation I love Brad Pitt too.

Bonus points: Along with Clooney, was in the Ocean's series, but also Fight Club, Snatch, and Seven to name a few. He along with Clooney have been named Sexiest Man Alive twice, he's been married to Jennifer Aniston, and has dated (read: nailed) Gwyneth Paltrow, Thandie Newton, Robin Givens, Julliete Lewis (why?), among many, many others. To say a guy cant appreciate him is a straight-up player hater…that's not how I roll. Neither does Pitt.

Wentworth Miller:

Why: You might be thinking who is this guy, lemme tell you what you probably know him as: Michael Scofield from Prision Break. He is the youngest guy on this list, but there is no way he isn't wise beyond his years. The thing about him that makes him so neat is because Scofield is the only character he has ever been, you just automatically assume that's how he acts off screen, articulate, coy and conniving. The cool thing is that he does give off that persona in interviews, I'd party with him.

Bonus points: Because he's so new to the list, anything he does from now on until the future will be deemed awesome, or controversial. He can hook-up with anyone from RuPaul to Paulina Rubio and you wouldn't think anything of it. Throw in the fact his love interest in Prison Break is inaugural Diane Lane All-Star, Sarah Wayne Callies, (who I have a female celebrity crush on) and he just portrays the pimp he probably is in real life. Plus he brought the shaved-head look back, the same way Justin brought sexy back…although, it never left me.

Will Smith:

Why: Why not? How many people have you honestly heard he sucks…as an actor, because let's face it, him and Jazzy Jeff as a music combo were the suck. The guy is a total family man, and it's a role that he embraces, and no one thinks anything of it because, well, he's the Fresh Prince. In everything he does, he think about his image, he keeps his "music" profanity-free, always stars in movies as the protagonist, and does so with such ease…and he looks like Robert Horry. Just a real likable star, put it this way, if you saw him playing pick-up basketball, you'd be comfortable asking him to play a game of horse.

Bonus points: Starred in The Pursuit of Happyness, Independence Day, Hitch (underrated date movie), and Bad Boys I and II. Look, when I saw The Pursuit of Happyness, I'd be lying if a tear didn't well-up in my eye, there's nothing wrong with that, as is not cursing in your music, as if coming off as a family man in every thing you do. The cool thing about him was he was able to overcome crappy rapping and become one of Hollywood's best leading man, maybe, sometimes, you don't have to act like a bad boy to be the best.

Benicio del Toro:

Why: Yeah, he may be the ugliest guy on this list, but that's exactly why he is on here. Doesn't he remind you of a Mexican werewolf? Or maybe some fairy tale creature mixed with the Toxic Avenger? He doesn't get anywhere near the credit as some of the others on this list, but I guarantee you that girls love him, of course he has that whole Latin flair kicking and that catapults him to the next stratosphere. The best way to describe him would be "an alternative sex symbol", the kind you don't think would be sexy, until you get to know him and then you're back in his hotel room.

Bonus points: Starred in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 21 Grams, Snatch, Sin City, Traffic, and one of the greatest movies of all-time, The Usual Suspects, perhaps some of the best movies to come out in the past 10 years, and they all include him, coincidence? Probably not. One extra juicy tidbit, he hooked up with Scarlet Johansson in a hotel elevator once…how many men in the free world, let alone Hollywood, can claim that? I can imagine myself taking shots of Patron somewhere in Cabo with him until the early hours of the morning chain-smoking Camel reds. That's a guy I wanna party with.

Harrison Ford:

Why: Because, dammit, sometimes you just need to have some Indiana Jones in your life. Seriously, the guy has been in 2 of the most successful franchises ever: Star Wars and Indiana Jones. He is the consummate guy who no other guy has a problem with: he's been in great movies, from action to drama, and is still making great movies. He and Denzel have the "aging wine theory" in full effect. They get better as they age, and Ford, Denzel, and to a lesser degree, Dick Clark, all look about the same as they did when they first started.

Bonus points: Starred in: Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Patriot Games, The Fugitive. Was the richest actor alive, until everyone's favorite anti-Semitic, Mel Gibson, overtook him. He's been married a few times, but gets the most street cred for dating a bag o' skeleton…oh wait, nevermind, that's Calista Flockhart. I actually have a very funny, albeit dirty and possibly vulgar joke to insert here, but for sakes of keeping this clean, I'll omit it. Let's move along…here's to hoping the new Indiana Jones movie puts him back in the spotlight

Clive Owen:

Why: Seriously, doesn't he just give off the biggest "F' you" vibe to just about everyone who sees him in the wrong direction? I don't know what makes him kick so much ass, I cant decide if it's the slicked-back hair version of him, or the stubble on the face version of him that makes him a bad-ass. In Derailed he was nails, I wouldn't want to fuck with him, in Closer he ruled, in every movie he's made he has been an unknown, in other words, you don't know what to expect from him, is he daring, brave, stupid, sexist, antagonistic, the protagonist, what? Plus he's English, chicks always dig those English guys, if I was an English chick, I'd probably sleep with him.

Bonus points: He's starred in Closer, Sin City, Derailed, and Inside Man (severely underrated movie), in each role, he plays a different character-type. When you see him in real life, you really don't have a clue on how to read him. If you saw him in the Icon Hotel bathroom snorting lines off a hooker, it wouldn't surprise you, if you saw him at Starbucks sipping on his chocolate macchiato it wouldn't surprise you. The mystery factor is pumped to the 1000^th power with him, and really, sometimes it's that unknown factor that makes guys cool…look at James Dean, same thing applies to him.

…and our final member of the George Clooney All-Stars…

Christian Bale:

Why: By now the whole premise of this blog is to find male celebrities who you would want to trade places with, hang out with, or maybe in extreme cases, sleep with (assuming you were a chick, of course), and well, no one really encapsulates that better than Christian Bale, he's young, good-looking, rich, and has made great movies. He's another Brit (what's up with Brit and them making girls think they are sexy?), but the thing about him that is really unique is that up until Batman Returns, no one really new much about him, if anything. Now he's made that movie, and will star in the sequel for it, you know he is going to sky-rocket into the George Clooney rung of male celebrities. One way of looking at him is like the stock market, you know it's just a matter of time before he blows up, so you better get on board before he does blow up…he and Wentworth Miller both have this going for them.

Bonus points: Starred in under the radar movies, The Machinist, Harsh Times, American Psycho and Velvet Goldmine. Doesn't he fit the "tall, dark, and handsome" motif? I mean seriously, he does, and that's what girls love. If you're guy who really really follows movies, you may have heard who he is, if you a girl, then you know who Christian Bale is. That's the point of this blog, most people know who the big people are in Hollywood and what they have done, who they've done, and what makes them cool; but not everyone has heard of Christian Bale, or even Wentworth Miller sure you may have heard of the movies they've been in, but don't know how much they kick ass in a straight-male-admiration-for-another-celebrity-male-type of way, and thus that's why they are the George Clooney All-stars.

Like I said, I'm not gay, but I know I can appreciate other guys when they deserve the admiration from me. That's why I have no problem saying these are the 10 guys in Hollywood I would change places if I could, or would want to hang out with them and have a beer or ten, not because they are rich and famous, but because they simply kick ass. And the fact that just about every female thinks they are hot is also an added benefit. Like I said, no matter if you're male or female reading this blog, you can picture these people in your minds having a good time. They aren't immature, they don't suck, they seem like kick-ass guys, and that's why they're all George Clooney All-Stars, I know I'm not a girl, but if I was, there is probably no doubt I would hook up with all these guys, thankfully, I'm a guy so I can just hang out with them, partying, drinking the night away, cutting up and letting loose. Speaking of, that's what I'm going to do that this weekend at Ziegfest at the Sam Houston Race Park, granted, none of them will be there, but maybe I don't need a George Clooney All-Star to have a fun, then again, maybe Matt Damon will be there…until next week.