Road House Blues

(written 3/9/07)

Every once in a while a movie comes out and it changes your life. Movies have a way of doing that; they make an impact on your life and it can cause you to re-evaluate your life, choices in life, and sometimes, make you question life itself. I remember the first time I saw The Passion of the Christ; it was some pretty intense stuff, and to this day I won't watch that movie again. Not all movies have some profound effect on people, some movies are just entertainment, like Sin City, others, like Crash, make you think about you and your morals while others, can do both, like Borat. And then you have movies that make no complete sense; the plot is ridiculous, the characters are unbelievable, and anything, and everything, that happens is not out of the question. We call these awesomely-bad movies. And, in my book, there is no better bad movie than Road House.

First of all, let's be honest, bad movies make the world go round; there is nothing better than admitting to your friends that you like a shitty movie, because most of the time, they don't know if you are serious or not. See, your friends can't make fun of you for liking a shitty movie because, well, it's shitty, yet, that's why it's so good. Guys especially, I think we have some DNA encoded which allows us to watch, multiple times over, shitty movies and feel proud to announce, "Hey, you know what? Streets of Fire sucks as a movie, but it's awesome. I love it." Compare that to, "Hey, you know what, Just Like Heaven was a pretty good movie. I really liked it." See, if one of my friends told me that, I would automatically revoke his man-card, check him in balls, and tell all of my other friends that he likes bad-shitty movies. It's one of those things guys understand completely; girls on the other hand, have enough trouble trying to understand the greatness that is Die Hard so it's a little more complicated to understand a good-bad movie when they see one. We can't expect them to understand the difference between a good movie, a bad movie, and a good bad movie. Hopefully, if I ever date someone, she will have this understanding; it's vital in any relationship.

So, what are some of the best bad movies? I am glad you asked. I haven't had a list for a while now, so I thought I would throw one in here. By my collection, here are the Top Ten Best Bad Movies:

A couple of things real quick: sequels and prequels do not count. High-budget movies, adaptations of books, TV shows do not count either. They must be original.

10) The Beastmaster: Honestly, who can talk to animals with their thoughts? Well, apparently some dude named 'Dar' can. (I know there was a sequel to Beastmaster, but it never happened. Ok? Good)

9) They Live: Rowdy Roddy Piper and David Carradine (waaaay before Kill Bill), do you need anything else? Well, except for maybe some bubblegum.

8) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: When did killer tomatoes become fashionable? Who knew?

7) Killer Klowns from Outer Space: Apparently after killer tomatoes, the world was ready for anything

6) Streets of Fire: Diane Lane + Michael Pare – Rick Moranis –Willem Dafoe + I Can Dream about You by the Dan Hartmann Band = awesomely bad movie.

5) Hot Dog: The Movie: If you haven't seen the movie, two of the best words ever: Gratuitous nudity.

4) Big Trouble in Little China: Sorcerers, Chinese people, a pissed off Kurt Russell, and the china man from Tremors…no arguments here

3) Just One of the Guys: Put it this way, anytime you can butcher Cyndi Lauper's name, it's worth a price of admission. And nice boobies, from someone who gets off having tits.

2) Eddie and the Cruisers: The soundtrack. The plot. The inspiration for me to feel the need to sing 'Runaround Sue' every time we go to a karaoke bar. (Part 2 never happened either. Ever.)

1) Road House: It was neck and neck with Eddie… until, Swayze's mullet was thrown in the mix. That put it Over the Top (a horribly good Stallone movie…no relation)

Obviously, I left off a lot more possible choices, off the top of my head I could list about ten more movies that were bad and good, but because of sequels and whatnot, they didn't fit the criteria. Thus, you didn't see The Last Dragon, any of the Ghoulies, Howard the Duck, Ski School, DC Cab, Meatballs, Troll, Best of the Best, all Angel movies, and just about any movie that involves Charlie Bronson (who always has some fuckin rope), Steven Segal (with or without the ghey ponytail) and Chuck Norris (no explanation necessary). I think if the movie world made a movie with Chuck Norris, Patrick Swayze, and Michael Pare, I think the world as we know it would disintegrate because, frankly, we aren't ready for that much shitty acting. Speaking of shitty acting, let's get onto Road House.

Starring, I guess you can call it 'starring', Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch (doesn't fit criteria for Diane Lane All-Star team), and Sam Elliot, who, somehow, found another acting job after the crapfest that was Mask (the one with Cher, not Jim Carrey), Road House place in a small town outside of Kansas City… I guess Oklahoma was booked because, well you should know my feelings toward them. Swayze, playing Dalton, has been hired to come in and clean up a bar, known as Double Deuce.Dalton gets into it with Wesley and his henchmen. To get some backup, Dalton calls Wade Garrett, played by Sam Elliot, to have his back. It may just be me, but Garrett looks drunk the entire movie, and honestly, I think he might be…I'm just saying, I wouldn't put it past him. Well, the two of them finally get together, hang out with the town doctor that Swayze is boinking, and start to clean up the bar. Wesley doesn't like this so he sends his buddies to kill Garrett and Dalton. Dalton will have no part of this, between him ripping the main henchman's throat out, having a very awkward sex scene with Kelly Lynch, and making a blind man, played by Jeff Healey, play the blues, Dalton finally makes his move. Wesley is dead, the good guys rejoice, and the Double Deuce probably celebrated by having Happy Hour all night long. Jeff Healey was still blind though.

In actuality what transpires throughout the movie doesn't seem that preposterous. It's really a classic "good guy versus bad guy because the bad guy is being an asshole to everyone and the good guy sticks up for everyone, thus cementing his status as a 'good guy'" movie theme. This formula has been used over and over, from movies like Robin Hood to Walking Tall (which I know was based on a true story). But see, the concept of the movie isn't what makes the movie so bad, it's what happens during the movie which makes it so bad. There are plenty of reasons, let's look at some of them.

First of all, Swayze's character, Dalton, has a PhD in philosophy from New York University. Ok, so he has a PhD, so my question is this? Why is he a cooler? Is the job market that rough for someone who has a PhD? I mean, basing my decision on Dalton, I can pretty much eliminate the thought about getting my PhD; I don't want to be a cooler…doesn't make sense at all. Furthermore, if he has a PhD, how come no one referred to him as "Doctor Dalton"? Or, maybe something cool, like "Doc", or really cool, like "Double D". Honestly, he should have had that as his name, "Double D", think about it: he has a doctorate, the alliteration works with the doctor and his first name, but even beyond that, the Double Deuce, two D's, I mean, it's brilliant. Then again, how do I come up with some of this shit? I don't know. The last part that doesn't make a bunch of sense: since a PhD means "doctor of philosophy" and he got his PhD in philosophy, does that make Dalton a doctor of philosophy in philosophy? Basically what this tells me is that Dalton is a bullshit artist. Why couldn't the writers change it up and give him a PhD in accounting, or maybe karate? It just doesn't make sense. What does philosophy have to do with checking ID's, stopping girls from dancing on the table, and other chores a cooler has to do? I am willing to bet the coolers at M-Bar don't have PhD, but I digress.

I don't know how many times this happens to you, but it seems as if every time I need them, they are nowhere to be found. You always end up needing them and you are usually up shit creek without them. No, I'm not talking about your keys, wallet, or insurance cards; of course, I'm talking about your medical records. I guess that's why Dalton has a PhD. He probably took an upper level Cooler course, likely 'Cooling 879', and one of the first rules in that course was to always carry your medical records with you at all times. Honestly, let's see a show of hands out there, who has needed your medical records, but were nowhere to be found? Yeah, that's what I thought; almost all of us at one point have needed them after we were stabbed. Hell, I don't even remember the last time I went to the doctor was, much less what the hell my medical records are, apparently that's why I don't bounce. Then again, I don't perform minor surgeries on myself, Dalton does though.

Look, I'm not a geography expert; I am far from one. I do know the state capitals to all the relevant states in the US; I am pretty familiar with the big mountain ranges in our country, and I know about the 7 different continents. One thing I didn't know was the mountains and deserts the Kansas City region had. Hey, wait a minute, I lived in Kansas City for a while, I don't remember any landscapes that resemble anything like a mountain or a desert. There were a bunch of fuckin hills, some sunflowers, and every once in a while, a lake, but I don't remember the rugged terrain known as a mountain range, or the harsh environment a desert provides. Then again, I didn't get to comfortable with my surroundings.

Another thing that blew my mind: why did Dalton live above a barn? Was it that hard to rent a hotel? Maybe room with the blind guy for a week until he found an apartment, or something, I don't know. Why was he fixated on living in a barn? Maybe he had something for animals, which just really opens the door for further interpretation. But I think he killed any chance Dalton was into animals when he banged Dr. Clay.

Speaking of Dr. Clay, since she was Brad Wesley's ex, why did she still stay around the town and still be a doctor. Now, if you really know the movie like I do, the answer is because her uncle, Red, was still in town and had his store to keep. She was watching over him, as he did with her. That part I understand, what I don't understand is this: why did they both stay in town? Because Wesley was a prick and pretty much did whatever he wanted when he wanted, why stick around? Where there no other doctor openings in the Midwest for Dr. Clay? Did she have to stick around and stay in that town? What about her uncle, same thing with him, did he have to stay to ensure the town folks had access to transmission fluid, windshield wipers, and scratch and sniff air fresheners? Was working for NAPA, or hell, even opening your own chain of AutoZone too much of a chore? I'm just saying.

Don't get me started on Sam Elliot's character; it's probably a good thing he died in a fight because he was about 5 more beers away from crashing into family of deer after leaving the Double Deuce on Big Ass Beer Night. There is no way Wade Garrett was still a cooler, he seemed like he could barely stand up on his own; yet he was the one who was a legendary cooler? Why was he legendary? Did he out-drink the USA team in Beerfest? Maybe. Yet, when he walked into the Double Deuce for the first time, it was as if Jesus walked into the room.

One guy we can talk about though is the blind dude, played by Jeff Healey, of the Jeff Healey band fame. He was my favorite character in the movie, why? I'll tell you why. When Dalton first shows what he can do in a fight all the people are wondering, "who is that guy?" Everyone is silent and kinda looking around at each other, like, "what just happened?" All of a sudden, on stage with his band, Jeff, goes: "His name is Dalton". How the hell did he know what had happened? He's blind!!! He can't see anything, hell, for all Jeff knows, the crowd went outside because his blues weren't that good. That part always cracks me up. By the way, how did he know Dalton, were they buddies from the war? Have homeroom together? Brothers separated at birth? What? We never found out.

But, my main qualm with the movie was this: when Denise, Wesley's nice-boobied, blonde-haired bimbo starts to do her strip tease routine, how come Jeff Healey had to keep playing the blues? I mean, it's not bad enough that the guy is blind, but when a hot chick (for 1989) is doing a strip show (for free) how come the blind guy has to keep with the music. Why not plop on the jukebox, or hell an AM transistor radio, and give Jeff Healey a lap dance? Or maybe let him cop a feel. Does this happen? No, he keeps playing, the girl shows her boobs to everyone in the bar, she was wearing lacy granny panties by the way, and then she makes out with Dalton. Soon after he kicks her out, but what about Jeff Healey, he took one for the team and got no thanks from it. Does Denise strip if Jeff Healey isn't playing music with balls? No way. Denise was a whore, yet no one threw Jeff Healey a bone, I am sure if he could see, he would be willing throw a bone. Leave it to Dalton to be a cock-blocker. Does this stop Jeff Healey from playing, no. Why? Because he's fuckin cool, that's why.

Obviously, I saved the best part of Road House for last: Patrick Swayze. Think about some of the classics b-movies he's been in: Next of Kin, Point Break, Youngblood, and, Black Dog, pretty good stuff right there. Of course, he's also been in some horrible movies like Ghost, Dirty Dancing, and, who could forget, To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. He is a bad, bad, actor. The only great acting he has done was on Saturday Night Live when he was a Chippendale dancer going against Chris Farley. (Red Dawn and The Outsiders are classic movies, but not because of Swayze). There was only 1 person who could have played Dalton, unfortunately, we didn't get William Zabka, we got stuck with Swayze.

He carries the whole movie, whether he is giving classic one-liners, such as "Pain don't hurt", or "Is she?" when asked what to say if a customer calls an employee's mother a whore. Another classic Swayzeism, "Stay on it", when he walks in on an employee who has a customer bent over in the back room going to town on, to which the worker says, "I'm on my break". Perhaps no other line has had a profound effect on mankind more than Swayze's "my way…or the highway", of all the movies I know, it probably has the best worst one-liners in movie history. Throw in Swayze and his beautifully coifed Kentucky waterfall, better known as a mullet, and you have a recipe for greatness. That alone would be enough, but when you also include the sex scene he has with Dr. Clay and introduces the world to a sex move, probably called the "windmill thrust" while Dr. Clay is pretty much plastered on the wall, Dalton rules. The guy weighs no more than 170 pounds and yet still kicks everyone's ass, rips out some dudes throat, sleeps with Dr. Clay, and still has the balls to fight a guy who, proudly proclaims, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison", ladies and gentlemen we have a true American hero…move over GI Joe.

Even with all these questionable details, improbable actions, and just about every other thing, Road House is horrible, yet, every time it's on, I make sure to watch it. You don't want to watch it, yet you still do, kinda like a weird clip one of your buddies emails you titled, "Don't Open at Work". Some people don't appreciate bad movies because, well they suck, other people love them because well, they suck. Me? I love them, I compare it to having an ugly dog that only you like because everyone else thinks it's butt-ass ugly, you look further than that and see all the great things about it. I do the same with good bad movies. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or not, but if you come away with anything, remember this: don't fuck around at the Double Deuce, that Dalton's a bad motherfucker. Until next week, maybe I'll tackle a serious topic….then again, what would Dalton do? Keep it real…